Let her go
by Sarahmus25
Summary: Set after the final scene of 7.10 - Harvey and Donna come to terms with the ramifications of that one moment. * the rating has changed to M because of language*
1. Chapter 1

**Following on from one of the most shocking / exciting cliffhangers on TV I couldn't stop thinking 'what next?'**

 **Can Donna and Harvey really have it all? Can they find a way to love and work together? Will Harvey finally pull his head out of his backside and realise what he has standing in front of him? ... who knows! But I'm guessing the writers will do a hell of a job in the back end of season 7 to keep us on the edge of our seats. In the mean time here is my take on it. I honestly don't know where the story will take me but it will give me something to fill the time until I can get my next suits fix! 😜**

His mind was blank. It was only filled with white noise. It was like his entire being was focused on just two small parts of his body. His lips that tingled from the feeling of hers on his and his jaw that burnt red hot from where her fingers had gently traced down the side of his face. For the few seconds after she had pulled away from him and then turned to leave this was all he was. The calm and collected Harvey Specter had dissipated as soon as she had touched him. He couldn't even focus on the words she had spoken to him. He had no clue what she had said. All he knew was that she had kissed him and then she had gone.

There was nothing else.

His legs started to move as if on auto pilot. They propelled him out of her office and towards the lobby. His body, it would seem, was quicker to recover than his mind. He was not in control. But something inside was making him leave, making him follow her. He got to the elevators as the chrome doors started to shut. He put his arm out to stop it but he was too late. The last image he saw before they slid closed was of wide eyes and fiery red hair. Her lips had been partly open as if she had been about to say something. Her lips….

Her lips on his….

Her arms around his neck…

Her body pressed against his…

His finger jabbed at the elevator button impatiently, hoping that the doors would open and that she would still be there. Seeing her even for the briefest of moments had been like an engineer's reboot on his consciousness. His mind that had been empty was now flooded with images of her. Over a decade of memories flittered in front of his eyes. All of them led back to that kiss.

When it didn't open, he punched the elevator door, swearing under his breath as he did. Keeping his fists against the cold metal he leant forward and rested his forehead on the door and closed his eyes. He needed to focus. He needed to focus on what came next. He needed to act now before the old Harvey returned and made him question and second guess himself. He took two deep breaths in trying to steady himself.

'Ah thank god your still here. I just listened to your voicemails and….'

Louis's voice was like sandpaper in Harvey's ears. It scratched at the inside of his cranium.

'Not now Louis.' His words came out as barely a mumble. If he kept his eyes closed he wondered if his friend would just disappear.

'Yes now!' Louis's voice had raised an octave ' Jessica is going to be disbarred and we need to come up with a plan. We need to call her and let her know. We need to go to Malik and put the fear of god into that self righteous son of a…'

'I said not now!' Harvey's words ricocheted off of the marble walls. He had shouted louder than he had intended too but he couldn't think about Jessica right now. As selfish as that was, the only thing he could see was the colour of autumn leaves. He could't think about the future, he was barely in control of the present. Right now he was still stumbling around in the not to distant past.

The silence stretched. If Louis was still there then he was as silent as Harvey had ever known him to be. He opened his eyes and turned his head slightly in the direction of where Louis's voice had last come from. Louis was standing there with a look of confusion on his face. It was like he was taking in the scene for the first time and trying to work out why the hell the managing partner of the firm was currently head bent and eyes closed, leaning on the elevator for support. Harvey felt as though he could see the cogs turning in Louis's head as suddenly recognition dawned on his face.

'What don't I know?'

'She's gone.'

'Jessica?'

Harvey shook his head marginally.

'Who are we talking about?'

It took Louis a heartbeat to realise what was going on. The words had only just left his mouth when he realised the answer to his own question.

'What did you do?'

Harvey laughed. It was a hollow sound. Of course the assumption would be that he had done something. If there was ever blame when it came to the two of them, Louis, Rachel and Mike were always quick to place it squarely at his feet.

'Who said that I did anything?'

'Well lets see. I spoke to Donna about 10 minutes ago and she was fine. I go to my office and then come out to find her presumably gone and you standing looking like the world is about to implode. So something happened and…'

'You spoke to her?'

'Yes'

'What did you say to her?'

Louis shrugged and turned away from Harvey's piercing gaze. There was the faintest rush of colour to his cheeks. ' it was personal.'

'Well your personal crap has gone and messed everything up! Thanks to whatever you said to her, she has just left and instead of me dealing with the fact that Jessica HAS been disbarred and wants us to take her name off the wall, I now need to take care of Donna!'

He choked as he said her name. It felt strange and different on his tongue and on his lips. It was the most commonly used word in his vocabulary but tonight it felt alien. He didn't know what that meant and he didn't have time to contemplate it.

'We are taking Jessica's name off the wall?'

Harvey turned from Louis and walked towards the large letters that spelt out the names of his fellow partners. He ran his fingers across the first 7 letters, spelling out Pearson in his head as he did. He felt Louis's presence next to him and then saw his hand next to his as it rested on the P of Pearson.

'It's what she wants us to do. It's what we need to do.' He turned then to look at Louis 'but as I said before I cant do this now. Tomorrow we can talk. Tomorrow we can plan and strategise. Tomorrow we can go about working out how the hell we are going to fill her shoes. Tonight I need to just get out of here. I can't face the future right now because as I currently see it I have just lost the two most important woman to me. One is never coming back to work here and the other…'

He trailed off, ending the sentence with merely a shrug of the shoulders. He didn't know if he had lost Donna. He wasn't sure of anything.

'I'm sorry Harvey. I'm sorry if I did say something that might have led to whatever went on between you two. If you need to talk then you know where I am. Go home, get some rest and tomorrow we will go about righting the ship. We have gone through worse. We always find away.'

Louis went to leave, patting Harvey's back as he did so.

'I don't know if I can right the ship without her. I don't know if I can be me without her here to guide me.'

Louis wasn't sure if Harvey was talking about Jessica or Donna. He guessed that it didn't really matter. Right at that very moment his friend looked like the shell of the man he normally was. He understood how the news of Jessica would have knocked him down, but it was whatever had happened in those few moments after he had left Donna's office, that had shaken him to his very core.

He had left Louis and gone back to his office. He had downed a glass of scotch; not even tasting the liquid as it burnt the back of his throat. He had stared at the screen of his laptop, contemplating all of the things that he needed to do right at that moment but then had shut down the screen and turned towards the window. He had been right when he said to Louis that he needed to get out of here. He couldn't concentrate on work.

Taking the elevator down to the ground floor (Not the elevator she had used. That had been a conscious decision on his part) he strode out into the cold night air. He did the button up on his dark grey overcoat as he started to walk along the empty sidewalk. The city that never slept felt surprisingly quiet as he walked away from the soon to be named offices of Specter, Litt. It was late. He looked at his watch realising that it was nearly 1am. He should have been heading home but he realised that his feet were carrying him in an entirely different direction. He knew that he should call Ray to pick him up but his hand did not go to take out his phone and dial the number. He smirked at the fact that for the second time tonight his body was fully in control. He was being taken where his subconscious wanted to lead him and no amount of rational thought seemed to be enough to stop it. He was taking long purposeful steps in the direction of the woman who had yet again turned his world up side down. What was it with her dropping bombshells and then walking out on him? Last time had been work related and this time had been something else entirely. Maybe the last time hadn't been because of work. That had come after his 'love you' slip up. Maybe that was tied to this. Maybe it always came down to the area of grey that acted as a barrier between them. It was a dark expanse, a emotional minefield, that both of them had mastered navigating over the years since they left the DA's office. There were things they didn't ask. There were things they didn't question. And there were things they definitely didn't do. Well they didn't do those things until tonight! He may not be having a panic attack but after tonight he would certainly need some therapy he mused to himself as he paused to cross a busy street.

Paula! The thought of her was like a punch to the stomach. How had he not thought of her? He had gotten to this point without her pretty face and kind eyes even crossing his mind. It had only been the thought of needing professional help that had set the alarm bells ringing. He had a girlfriend. He had someone waiting for him at home. The blast of a car horn bought him to his senses. He had stepped out into the road without even looking. The taxi swung to miss him and the driver, window down, shouted a diatribe of expletives that were lost to the wind. Harvey put his hand up as a way of apologising and stepped back onto the curb. The redhead had nearly been the death of him. He had always joked that she would be, but tonight her actions had been the direct cause of him nearly being hit by a god damn car! She had kissed him and now he couldn't walk or think straight. And worse of all she had made him forget that he wasn't single. He stood motionless for a moment taking in the implications of what that meant. She had kissed him knowing about Paula. When she had done it she must of known that there would be ramifications for more than just them. Forget for a second how it might effect work; forget that they had to go on being COO and managing partner irrespective of how this little dance played out. She had known that it would effect him personally. She knew what that would mean to him. Maybe she hadn't thought about it but she bloody well should have! There had been years of him being single; countless opportunities for her to have done what she did tonight without her risking anyone else's feelings or heart. Why had she chosen now? Why had she only acted when he had everything to lose?

Looking left and right ( he wan't going to have another near miss!) he crossed the road with new purpose. The questions and, though he was choosing not to admit it, longing that had bought him this close to her apartment had suddenly been replaced. He no longer wanted to know what that kiss had meant for them. He didn't care what she had said as she pulled away. He didn't even really care about the why. What he wanted to know was how.

How could she do this?

How could she put him in the position where he had to explain to the woman currently sleeping in his bed that he had kissed someone else?

How could she be so selfish?

How could she think that this would ever lead to him wanting anything more from her?

She had made him the worse kind of person. She had put him in the one situation that he had never ever wanted to be in. He had cheated on his partner. He knew he had kissed Donna back.

The rage bubbled out of him as he took the steps up to her building two at a time. He hit the intercom button hearing it buzzing as he did. He pushed his finger down so it was a continuous ring. If she was asleep he was going to wake her up. If she didn't want to talk then tough. He would stay here all night pressing this button. Until he had given her a piece of his mind he wasn't going anywhere. Donna Paulson may be the queen of leaving but Harvey Specter never walked away from a fight!


	2. Chapter 2

She couldn't work out why someone was hammering in nails in her dream. She dreamt a lot of strange things; but DIY, that was a first. She stretched out, her left arm and leg finding there way into the cold void of the bed. She pulled up the covers around her face trying to return back to sleep. But the banging was still there. It was a persistent knock that did not stop. Thump Thump Thump Thump. It was someone at the door. This woke her fully from her slumber. If there was someone at their door, then someone had gotten in to their building and at this time of night it meant they had a key. There were only two people that had a key. Her parents and Donna. She stretched a little further until her foot made contact with Mike who was snoring gently beside her.

'Mike'

'Hmmmmmm'

'Mike there is someone at the door!'

This time the only response was the sound of heavy breathing. Mike could sleep through the bloody apocalypse! She checked her phone. There were no missed calls or messages. Whoever was outside hadn't tried to make contact before turning up unannounced. Her mind wandered to the case earlier today. Had they managed to wheedle their way out of the deal? Was her dad here to tell her? Only one way to find out she guessed. The pulled herself out of the warmth of the bed, slipped on a cardigan over her shorts and vest and headed towards the living room. At the door she turned.

' you know, if it's a murderer out there Mike and you slept through it and didn't protect me, then I will come back and haunt you arse!'

The shape of her fiancé under a mountain of covers shifted slightly at the sound of her voice.

' you would be a hot ghost…. Can we do the whole Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore thing?'

A smile played on her lips. Even in the midst of sleep, Mike managed to pull out a film reference! She headed towards the front door. The banging had not ceased, it hadn't even slowed down. Opening the door she was prepared to see her dad. She was wrong.

' Where is she?'

'Pardon?' The question caught her off guard. His presence here caught her off guard.

' I said where is she?'

Harvey pushed passed her and headed into the living room. She shut the door and followed him. Was she still dreaming? God this was more of a nightmare!

' Who are you looking for Harvey?'

'Who do you think ?'

When he turned to her his eyes were savage. She had seen this side of him in the office but here, in their apartment, he seemed to dominate the space and any restraint or control that he usually exuded was gone. There was only one woman that ever made him this crazy.

'She isn't here.'

'Then where the hell is she? Because she isn't at work and she isn't at home. The only other place she could be is with you! So if she isn't here then I suggest you start coming up with a plan D as I need to find her and I need to do it NOW! And if you are lying and she is here then so help me god I will…..'

'What's going on?'

Harvey's raised voice had been enough to drag Mike out of bed. He stood staring at the scene in front of him, clearly perplexed. Rachel suddenly realised how this must look. She and Harvey were practically face to face, standing in the middle of the room, the gap between them less than a foot. Being taller, he was looking down on her, his eyes locked on to hers but she hadn't budged an inch. She had risen to meet him. She wasn't afraid of him, so she was standing toe to toe with her boss, her eyes refusing to leave his, her jaw set. She also realised that her cardigan was hanging open and what she was wearing (or lack there of) was hardly appropriate attire in front of the great and glorious Harvey Specter! She pulled the cardigan around her taking a step back and pulling her eyes away from his. She was done with this. When she finally spoke, her voice was level but firm.

'Here is what is going to happen Harvey. Either you are going to take a seat, calm down and tell us what's happened or you are going to leave. But which ever option you go for, one thing is damn certain. You are going to apologise. No one gets to wake me up on the middle of the night, come into my apartment and accuse me of something which there is not a shred of proof of! So what is it going to be?'

Harvey thought for a moment. He took off his coat and then slumped down on the sofa. He opened his arms up as a sign of defeat.

'I'm sorry Rachel.'

'Damn right you are! And you…' she turned to face Mike who was still loitering by the bedroom door. ' get your friend a drink. I'm going to put some clothes on.'

She placed her hand on Mike's chest as she passed him 'oh and later we are going to have a little chat about how many people you have given our apartment keys too!'

Harvey was slightly in awe. He was looking at Rachel for the first time since coming here this evening. He also felt like he was looking clearly at this young woman for the first time ever. When had she become this person? She had embodied her father when she had spoken to him just now. It was both beautiful and terrifying. The bite of Robert Zane with the composure and grace of Jessica Pearson. He shook his head to himself. It wouldn't be long before her name was on the wall. And if he wasn't careful it would read Zane, Specter, Litt!

'Wow! You just got bitch slapped!'

Mikes words pulled him from thoughts of Rachel kicking arse and kicking him out the door.

He raised an eyebrow at his friend. ' Well it's an enlightening look at your home life!'

Mike grinned. ' What can I say, I like my women feisty!' He moved his his hand around motioning to the entire apartment ' In every room of the house if you know what I mean!' He winked, laughing. 'so do you want a tea?'

Harvey leant forward resting his elbows on his knees. 'After you painting that image of your sex life, I am going to need something a little stronger thanks!'

'On it!'

He watched his friend as he disappeared into the kitchen. He heard the fridge door open and close. He closed his eyes. For the first time since those elevator doors had shut Harvey tried to control his thoughts. In the space of a night he had gone from ecstasy, to shock, to emptiness and then to rage. Now he was just grossed out. The thought of Mike having sex had that effect on him! Though he would never admit it to his friend, he had thought about Rachel in that way before. That was a long while ago when she had first started at the firm. She had been pretty, young and had worn those tightly fitted skirts. Back then he had been a serial womaniser and she had been a welcomed distraction from the mundane paperwork that used to cross his desk. Thinking of her in various states of undress had been his favourite daydream for a couple of weeks. That had all stopped when he had realised that she was Robert Zane's daughter! She had still been hot of course, but any attraction he had felt for her had gone completely when he had found out that he could put the fear of god in her. He saw that she had been scared or, dare he say it, in awe of him; a little bit like he had felt watching her tonight. Back then her fear had been the greatest turn off for him. He liked his women strong and fiery. He liked them to challenge him, to talk back, to pull him up on his shit. He liked them to be just like…

'Donna'

Rachel had spoken the name of the woman he had been picturing in his head. Had she read his mind?

'What happened with Donna?'

He shrugged. The rage had started to subside and being here was suddenly seeming like a really bad idea. He had stormed over here after nearly an hour of standing outside Donna's apartment building. He had pressed the buzzer continuously for a full 45 minutes until he finally realised that he was acting like a crazy man. But rather than just going home, he had harnessed that crazy and against his better judgement had gotten a taxi here. He had used the key that Mike had given him to get into the building. And then he had just started knocking. He had hoped that Mike would have opened the door but instead it had been Rachel. He had lost his shit. He fully admitted that. And now he was stuck in a situation where he would need to explain what had happened. Easier said than done. He still had no clue what had happened in her office between the two of them!

'Jessica is being disbarred.'

It was the truth. Not the reason that had ended up with him sitting in this apartment at 2.30 in the morning but a truth none the less.

'Shit!'

Mike had appeared with two glasses of scotch and two bottles of beer. He handed a scotch and one of the beers to Harvey and then perched at the other end of the sofa.

'I wasn't sure what you would want so I got you both. And I put the kettle on for you.' He turned to Rachel as he said this.

'I think I need something more than tea Mike.' Rachel disappeared and returned with a glass of red wine.

'So what happened?'

Harvey looked up, meeting Mike's eyes. ' Malik happened. He is going after her and she isn't going to stop it. She isn't going to fight. She wants us to take her name off of the wall.'

'That's a lot to take in.'

'What can I say? It's been a long night!'

Harvey took a large slug of the beer. Talking about Jessica was a smart move. Work was solid ground. He could be subjective and clinical. He could discuss this with a clear mind. This was better than delving into the quagmire that was him and his redhead. He noted the use of the word 'his'. He had always seen her in that way. She had been 'his' professionally for the majority of his working life. At least she had been for the time that mattered. She had been 'his' then, but now? Had the word changed? Did he see her as his beyond that neatly packed box with the word work written on it? It was yet another question that he would need to find an answer for. She had, with just one brief touch of her lips, caused an avalanche of questions that now he would need to sift through. It was going to be a LOT of damn admin and this time there would be no one to farm it out too. These were thoughts and feelings that only he could answer for himself.

'So what do we do now?'

Harvey shrugged yet again.

'We sit down with Louis tomorrow and come up with a plan. We work out a way to bury Malik in the ground, we take Jessica's name off the wall and then we start fighting for our goddamn lives because her walking away is a neon sign to everyone that we are weak. There will be blood in the water and anyone that I, Louis or even you have made an enemy of will start circling.

'So that is basically everyone then.'

'Everyone except her dad.' Harvey poked a thumb towards Rachel as he said it.

Rachel smiled. 'It pays to have a Zane on the payroll!'

Rachel sat back now, playing with the stem of her glass, watching the ruby liquid splash around inside as she lightly swirled it between her thumb and forefinger. Harvey and Mike were deep in conversation, brows knit and voices low as they started to strategise and plan. She had said that she didn't want to be left out of the game and here she was sitting in on the first conversation about the firms future. It was a big deal. But she knew deep down that this wasn't what they should be talking about. When Harvey had gotten here he hadn't been thinking about Jessica or the firm. He was using this as a way of deflecting the conversation away from more personal territory. She wondered suddenly if she should text Donna and see if she was ok. She checked herself. It was nearing 3 in the morning. If Donna had wanted to talk then she would have made contact. She would open up when she was ready too. So instead Rachel moved her attention back to the man sitting on her sofa. At a first glance, he was the embodiment of the legend which preceded him. Good looking, cocky and self assured. Not to forget one of the best lawyers in New York. She would say the best but she didn't want to insult either her father or Mike. She had a funny relationship with the great Harvey Specter. He was the sun that both the love of her life and her best friend orbited. She orbited Mike and Donna, so in a strange way she had ended up circling him too. She had been intimidated at first by him but she had soon realised that he respected boldness. Better to ask for forgiveness than consent! With that knowledge, she was finally finding some sort of footing with him professionally but personally….. who really knew the man sitting there.

Mike had told her snippets of the man behind the over confident facade; bits he had realised on the few occasions where their friendship had sailed into uncertain, personal waters. He was not just the labels that had been given to him over the years. He was so much more. He was dark and pained and flawed but he just didn't show it. He kept that side of him hidden from everyone. She guessed that there was one person who knew the true him, but she was the one person who would never talk about Harvey. She really knew him and yet she kept quiet; she held his secrets along with her own. Donna.

And his therapist of course!

'Do you want to weigh in?'

The question came from Harvey. He had that signature smirk on his lips. He took a slow sip from his scotch glass not breaking eye contact with her. How Donna had worked with him for so long and not succumbed more than once to his charms was beyond her. Even with her fiancé sitting in the same room, she felt herself blush under the scrutiny of his gaze. Cocky, self assured and incredibly sexy; some men just have it and can't switch it off!

'Not really' she admitted. She hadn't even been listening to them. Note to self, if future pay attention to what Mike and Harvey are talking about as you might be asked questions!

' A Zane with nothing to say? Another first this evening!' The smirk changed slowly to a full on smile. It reached his eyes. He knocked back the last of the scotch, throwing his head back as he did. He placed the glass down (on a coaster Rachel noticed. He should speak to Mike. He was always leaving glasses abandoned on the table without the use of a coaster. It drove her insane!) stood up and retrieved his coat.

'I'm sorry for waking you up. And I am sorry for the intrusion. Make sure you guys have a lie in tomorrow morning. I don't want to see you in the office until at least 8am!'

'So normal time then!' Mike laughed

'I have no sympathy for your start time tomorrow, as I am going to have to spend my whole morning in an enclosed space with Louis! At least you get to spend it hiding in my office.'

'Don't you mean my office?'

'It will never be yours, you know that right?'

Harvey turned to leave as Rachel finally chose to ask the question she had been holding back.

'Does Donna know about Jessica yet?'

He turned back to face her. Something dark flashed across his face.

'Not yet. But then again Donna and I have some other stuff to discuss first before we even get to Jessica!'

'Have mum and dad been arguing again?' The question had come from Mike

Harvey shook his head. The darkness that Rachel had seen in his eyes when she had mentioned Donna's name was still there

'Oh something happened between us earlier this evening but I can say with absolute certainty there was no arguing!'

And without giving them a chance to respond Harvey turned and left.

'What do you think he meant when he said that they didn't argue? What else could have possibly happened?' It was a question Mike was asking as much to himself as it was to Rachel.

'Honestly Mike, right now I don't care! Right now I just want to get some sleep. I have a horrible feeling that tomorrow we will be picking up the pieces from whatever happened between them.' She stood and rubbed her hand on his shoulder as she headed back to the bedroom 'and the way he was acting I think we are going to need to bring our A game tomorrow if we are going to help'

She kissed him on the top of his head and walked away. Mike stood to follow her. He kept thinking of the conversation he had had with Donna about telling Harvey how she felt. He hadn't mentioned to Rachel yet that he had opted to hand out some free relationship advice. He realised now that he probably should, as he had a feeling right in the pit of his stomach that Donna had taken his advice after all. If that was the case and Donna and Harvey weren't currently with each other talking it all through, then that meant only one thing. It meant that it had gone very very wrong. Mike sighed in the knowledge that it would take more than just Rachel and him on their A games to put that particular fire out, if what he suspected turned out to be right!


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for all of the lovely reviews ❤️ I currently feel like I can't stop writing! I am super excited about what's going to happen in chapter four (it might include a run in between Donna and Paula!) that I sort of rushed this one out. I really struggled to write from Donna's perspective. For some reason I get Harvey and his emotions, or lack thereof, far more! But I hope you enjoy xxxx**

Donna was sitting outside his front door. It had been the last place she had expected to end up after tonight, but after walking out of Pearson Specter Litt she had realised that she had very few other places she could go. She had left without her handbag when she had walked away from Harvey. It had been a rookie mistake for sure but she hadn't seen how rooting around under her desk for her personal things, after kissing him like that, was an option. So she had just left. It was only when she had gotten outside that she had really thought about the fact that she was without her coat, house keys, purse and most importantly her phone. It had taken her a few minutes to work out what to do next. But she was Donna and Donna didn't get flustered. She saw a problem and she fixed it. She realised that she had three options.

One – Go back upstairs and get her things. This wasn't really an option at all. Harvey was still there and she had left him without allowing him to speak for a reason. That reason hadn't' changed in the five minutes that had passed since she had walked away.

Two – Go to Rachel's. At first glance this probably seemed like the best option but she wasn't ready to talk about what had happened. Rachel and Mike would have questions that she didn't feel she was ready to answer just yet. She wasn't even sure she would know what to tell them or how to even begin to explain what she had been thinking.

Three – She could call someone and ask them to collect her bag. There were two issues with this. She needed to find a phone and she would need to remember someone's number so that she could call them for help. It would be difficult but as she reflected on her options this one won out. After all it was a damn sight better than having to explain her actions and feelings.

Getting a phone could be easy, she just needed to find the right target. She had stood waiting patiently, looking for her prey, until she had spotted a youngish guy of about Mikes age leaving an office building across the road from theirs. Jackpot! She had given him some sob story about leaving her bag in the back of a taxi. She had smiled her Donna smile, flicked her hair and placed one hand on his bicep as she had asked ever so nicely to borrow his phone so that she could send just one text message. She might even have mentioned the words 'knight in shining armour'!What could she say; she had committed to the role of damsel in distress! He had agreed of course but on one condition. He had wanted her phone number. He was cute and she was in desperate need to get things moving before Harvey emerged and potentially spotted her loitering on the other side of the street. So she gave him what he wanted…. with one digit 'accidentally' written down wrong! She then quickly typed a short message and hit send.

 _My handbag is still in the office. Any chance you could bring it home with you? I will meet you there. D xx_

The plus side of being a secretary for so long was that she had memorised the mobile number of the person that she had worked for. This had always come in handy with Harvey. It had also come in handy when she had worked for Louis too. She knew that Louis would see the message and despite not knowing the number, would do what she had asked. So she had taken the long and slow walk to his house and now she sat waiting for him to arrive. She internally praised herself. This had been a smart move. Harvey would never look for her here. He would try her apartment and then he would try Rachel's but she was certain that it wouldn't even cross his mind that she would have asked Louis for help. She wasn't even sure he knew where Louis lived! She also wasn't sure if Harvey would even be looking for her at all. The truth was she just didn't care. It hadn't been about him. It had been about her. It had been about her feelings and whether or not everyone else had been right and she had been wrong. Did she love Harvey Specter?

'Donna. I'm so sorry it took me so long to get here. You haven't been waiting long have you? Are you cold? You look cold?'

Donna smiled at Louis as she stood, stretching as she did so. She pushed her shoulders back, arching her back and trying to release the tightness that had formed whilst sitting out in the cold. She heard her left shoulder click.

'Thanks for doing this Louis. You are a lifesaver.'

'What are friends for!'

He trotted up the steps and opened the front door, stepping back to let her enter before him. She noted that he was carrying her handbag over his forearm in the most feminine of manners. It made her smile. Harvey would find this hilarious! She checked herself. Harvey's feelings were not her concern right now. What made Harvey smile or laugh needed to be put to one side. It was so ingrained in her to put him first that she struggled with the concept.

'So would you like a drink before you head home.'

She considered that if Harvey was in fact looking for her, then the last place she wanted to be was at home. It was time to ask another favour of her friend.

'I would love a drink Louis and if it isn't too much to ask then I was wondering if I could stay the night?'

The smile of Louis's face at the thought of Donna being a house guest was so large that is was infectious and Donna found herself grinning back at him.

'Oh my god this is going to be so great Donna! We can have drinks and talk and then tomorrow morning we can have breakfast together and then we can drive into work and then….'

She put her hand out to silence him 'Woah calm down there. You do realise that I am staying for just one night' She cocked her head at him 'and that we are going to be sleeping in separate rooms?'

Louis put his hand on his chest feigning mock outrage at the insinuation that he was trying to bed her.

'Of course Donna. Why would you think anything else? You are in a vulnerable situation and I just want to take care of you as a friend. But you have to know what an honour it is for you to want to stay here. I have dreamed so many times about this moment….'

'I really don't need to know what your dreams are about Louis'.

Despite her attempt to stop him talking, he carried on regardless.

'Well first I dreamt you and I went mudding and then you actually went mudding with me. Then I dreamt about us spending time outside of work together and look…'

'Louis, you're my friend, I love spending time outside of work with you.'

'But this is the first time you have ever turned to me after something has happened between you and Harvey.'

She found herself sighing. That wasn't necessarily the truth. She had turned to Louis once before. She had moved to his desk after all.

'Well with Harvey its complicated. You know that.'

He nodded 'yes I do.'

He looked at her as if trying to work out what to say next. In the end he opted to not beat around the bush and just ask her outright

'What did he do to you this time Donna?'

He was looking at her with such an open and caring expression that she found that she wanted to tell him.

' It's not what he did. This time it was all me. This time I kissed him!'

Louis's mouth hung open in a state of complete shock. He was the second man tonight that she had rendered speechless.

She laughed and place a hand on his shoulder. 'That was the exact same response Harvey had. Though his mouth was slightly more closed.' She winked at him and then headed past him to the living room to take a seat. It took a few moments before she heard Louis's footsteps behind her.

'You kissed him.'

'Yes'

'And?'

'And what?'

'What happened then?'

'Well I apologised and then I left.' She sat herself down on one of the sofas ' I thought you were getting me a drink?'

Louis clearly was dying to ask more questions but in the end his manners won out. He nodded and scurried towards the kitchen returning with two glasses and a bottle of white wine. As he put it down to open it she realised that it was her favourite. Louis noticed her expression.

'I keep a bottle in the fridge especially for you.'

His thoughtfulness tugged at her heartstrings. Underneath his bravado, short temper and eccentricities Louis Litt was the kindest man you would ever meet. She had been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of his caring side on so many occasions over the years. He opened the bottle, poured her a glass and then sat next to her on the sofa. He put his hand on her leg.

'So what did Harvey say?'

'I left before he had a chance to say anything.'

'Why?'

She shrugged. Looking back there were so many answers to that question but at the time there had been only one.

'I left because I was scared at how he would react. I guess I wanted at least a few moments before reality hit.'

'You wanted to pretend that there would be no repercussions?'

'I wanted to pretend that he had kissed me back!'

They sat in silence both digesting what she had admitted too. She knew that when she had pulled away she had wanted him to grab a hold of her, pull her to him and kiss her back. Instead he had just stood there, arms by his side, with a look of complete surprise on his face. She had kissed him to try and work out her feelings but secretly she had hoped that he would also use it as an opportunity to eventually express his. It was Louis who broke the silence.

'Has he tried to contact you?'

'I don't know. You still have my phone.'

'Would you like me to get it?'

She shook her head. 'I know Harvey pretty well….'

He raised an eyebrow at her

'….Fine! I know him very well and I don't think that if he is trying to get hold of me, its because he wants to kiss me again. I am so drained from everything that's happened today, with Malik and Holly Cromwell and having to take the stand, that I don't have the stamina to go a few rounds with Harvey. I would just like one night of pretending that he wanted it too.'

Louis leaned in and hugged her. She managed to slide her glass onto the table and then wrapped her arms around him. They held each other. When they eventually pulled away, she realised that she had tears in her eyes.

'Thank you Louis.'

'You know I love you Donna?'

He used the same words that Harvey had said to her once before. But with Louis she knew exactly what he had meant by them and how to respond.

'I do'

In that moment she would have given anything to have Harvey care for her the way Louis did. He wore his heart on his sleeve. He wasn't afraid of being completely consumed by his emotions. When he loved, he gave everything to it. He may have been burnt because of his feelings but she didn't think he had ever regretted giving it his all. She wished that she could be as brave as him. She wished that she could jump in with both feet… all or nothing.

She took a sip of wine, trying to steady her emotions. It was now time for her to ask some questions of her own.

'Did you see him before you left?'

'Yes?'

'How did he seem?'

'Preoccupied!'

She paused, reliving the moments before she had bridged the gap between them and taken him in her arms. He had been about to tell her something. He had wanted to speak with Louis too. She had been so caught up with her own emotions that she hadn't realised that he had come into her office needing to talk.

'Was he preoccupied because of me or is there something else?'

She looked up questioningly. Louis averted his eyes.

'What is it?'

'Its nothing?'

'That's bullshit. Harvey wanted to speak to us. I didn't give him a chance to speak with me but I'm guessing he spoke with you? What's happen? What don't I know?'

'It's about Jessica but it can wait until tomorrow. You said you wanted a night where you got to pretend everything is alright and I want to give you that. I'm not taking that away from you with something that can wait until the morning.'

'Am I going to be mad at you for keeping it from me, when you tell me tomorrow?'

'Donna, after you've drunk the prunie that I am planning on making for you tomorrow morning, you aren't going to be able to be mad at anyone!'

'Is that because I am going to be spending the whole morning in the toilet!'

'You know, regular bowel movements are not something to joke about!'

She laughed as she started to stand

'You're right Louis, I'm sorry. But when the conversation turns to my toilet habits that's when I tend to call it a night. Is there any chance that you could show me to my room?'

15 minutes later, she had cleaned her teeth ( Louis had a brand new spare toothbrush for instances such as this!) washed her face and was getting into bed wearing one of the polo shirts that Louis wore to play tennis. It was like a bizarre dream. She wasn't surprised that the spare bedroom was nicer than some of the five star hotels she had stayed in over the years. She got into bed, letting her head rest of the large duck down pillows. She closed her eyes trying to encourage her mind to relax along with her body. She had done something unthinkable this evening. She had crossed an invisible line that she had forced herself to stay behind for god knows how many years. It had felt liberating but it also bought with it a looming sense of disaster. There would be a storm brewing over Pearson Specter Litt and in the centre of the hurricane would stand Harvey. As she contemplated seeing him tomorrow morning at work she heard the lightest of taps on the bedroom door and then the door slowly started to open. Louis's head appeared in the gap.

'Hey, sorry to intrude.'

'You're not intruding. What do you need?'

'I just need to ask you a quick question if that's ok?'

'Sure go ahead'

'I just wanted to know if what I said about Sheila and I was the reason why you did what you did? After you left and I saw Harvey he sort of blamed me, say that whatever we had spoken about had caused what had happened and I….'

Donna, sensing his unease, cut him off.

'You have nothing to worry about. Your words may have been the catalyst but I have nearly 13 years worth of reasons that led to me doing what I did. The only two people responsible for what happened tonight were in the room when I did it.'

She heard him sigh in relief.

'Ok then. Night Donna.'

'Goodnight Louis. I'll see you in the morning.'

After the door closed, she turned off the light and was enveloped in darkness. Sleep took her quicker than it had in months. For the first time in a very long time she did not dream of the man that worked in the office next to her.

In the morning when she woke she looked at her phone for the first time. She had 36 missed calls, 15 messages and one voicemail. All of them were from Harvey. She deleted them all without wanting to know what he had to say.


	4. Chapter 4

**_So I got a little side tracked and wrote the two final chapters for this story (I wanted to know how it turned out!) and then realised that I needed to write it for you guys in chronological order! So here is chapter 4. It's a bit of a long one but that's just because I am desperate to get to the good stuff. I really hope you enjoy and thank you again for the reviews. They bring me so much joy xxxx_**

Donna sat in the small conference room only half listening to what was going on. It had been hard to concentrate on anything since that night. Her world had been tilted on its axis. To everyone else it was barely noticeable but to her the shift was immense. She had been the cause; the reason for the earthquake that had sent tremors through her entire world. The epicentre was that kiss. The magnitude of it had sent shockwaves so strong that nothing was the same. Perhaps for everyone else but not for her. She had thought that there would be one other person that would have felt the effects of what she had done. Harvey however, seemed unmoved by that night. He was the same man as he had been before. It was the hardest part to come to terms with. She had been certain that once the dust had settled and the sun had risen the following morning, she would have found herself face to face with him, having to confront her feelings and his rage. She remembered how she had gone into work the next day with butterflies in her stomach. Louis had dropped her off at her apartment so that she could go and change. In true Louis form he hadn't waited in the car, but instead had accompanied her upstairs and had sat on the sofa reading excerpts out of the financial times whilst she'd gotten ready for work. She had prepared for war, wearing her highest heels so that when he came at her she would be able to stare at him straight in the eyes. She needn't have worried, Harvey hadn't even mentioned the last 12 hours. There had been no storm, no confrontation, no anger. There had simply been nothing. It was like the whole thing hadn't happened. But she knew that it had done. She couldn't forget it. She couldn't move on from it, like he clearly had. The only sign that she had kissed him were those missed calls and messages she had stupidly deleted and the fact he had turned up unannounced at Rachel's in the early hours of the morning! Harvey's denial would have been fine in itself. He had been angry with her when she had moved to Louis's desk and had treated her like a stranger for weeks. But this time there was no resentment or disappointment. In fact he hadn't treated her any differently and their working relationship had seemed to improve. If anything it was the best it have been since she had become COO. It was frankly bizarre. Everything about the situation had been. In this strange post kiss universe, she was feeling at a complete and utter loss and that was something she didn't like. She was used to knowing everything. Reading people was her gift but right now she couldn't read Harvey for shit. It scared her.

The following night, with nowhere else to go and fearing the loneliness of her apartment and thoughts, Donna had found herself at Louis's again. They had sat and talked. They had talked about the firm, they had talked about Jessica and in the early hours of the morning they had talked about Sheila. As she listened to Louis speak about what had happened and how it had ripped him apart, she had kept thinking back to Harvey. Dealing with Louis's pain was somehow cathartic; their situations were not so different and she understood the feeling of realising that you cared for someone once it was too late to go back. With her and Harvey there wasn't even a 'back' to go back to, there were just years of missed opportunities and moments of regret.

If she had to say one positive thing about this whole god damn mess it was Louis; Louis who she now valued more than she thought she ever could. With everything happening at the firm, the three of them had had to spend countless hours together trying to hash out a plan of how to move forward. Louis had acted as a human shield for Donna; always being there before she arrived and waiting until she had gone before leaving Harvey's office. It had meant that she hadn't suffered any awkward moments of just the two of them alone in his office. Not that Harvey and her were ever truly alone as they were always surrounded by their past. Their past could be suffocating. Louis knowing what had transpired that night, had tried to protect her and in doing so had become her closest friend during this strange transition period between herself and Harvey. He had even bought her a cake with the words Team 'Paulsen Litt!' iced on the top off it to help cheer her up. As a thank you for everything he had done, she had agreed to go mudding with him again. She would carry the emotional scars and mental images from that Sunday afternoon to her grave! Given the choice however she wouldn't have changed it, in the same way she knew she wouldn't change kissing Harvey. There was no going back.

Eight days had passed since that kiss and she had no real answers except perhaps the only one that mattered. The only one that mattered to her anyway. She loved Harvey. There was no denying it. She couldn't move around it, or passed it. She couldn't back track and she couldn't pretend. There was no part of her that could continue to hide her feelings behind the word 'friend' anymore. The realisation had been slow as the puzzle pieces had start to click into place but she had finally given into the one simple truth. He was her world. She had made it that way; day by day, year by year, she had built her life and her heart around him.

But she didn't know what he thought. She couldn't tell how he felt and there was no way that she could just ask. Too much time had passed for that to be an option. So after four days of trying on her own to work out what he was feeling, she had admitted defeat and had turned to another friend in search of answers. Benjamin had managed to sift through her phone and find the deleted messages. The voicemail he hadn't been able to retrieve but he had promised to continue to look. Donna suspected he had said this more out of kindness than any real hope that he would be able to successfully find it. When he had asked her what the messages were, she had merely shrugged her shoulders. How could she possibly explain that her entire hopes and dreams were pinned on whatever was hidden in those messages. They were the only clues she had to how Harvey felt and it terrified her. She had sat in her office, downed two large glasses of scotch and stared at the space where he had been that night. She could see the expression of shock on his face as she had pulled away and left him. It was as though she was looking at a holograph, an imprint in time, the very moment when the world had started to crack and splinter into pieces she could never glue back together. She had started to read

 _Where are you?_

 _I need to talk to you. Why aren't you answering your phone?_

 _I am going to keep calling so just answer_

 _Answer your god damn phone_

 _DONNA I am going to seriously lose my shit with you._

 _I am outside your apartment. I am the arsehole that is going to continue to ring your doorbell until you let me in because we need to talk. We cant do this tomorrow. We have to do this right now_.

 _So you are not answering the door and you aren't answering your phone. I have been calling you repeatedly for the last hour. I'm not doing it for fun. I'm doing it because I have to see you. We need to talk._

 _If you are ignoring me because you think I am angry then good call! And for every minute you make me stand outside your bloody apartment building I am getting angrier!_

 _If you aren't going to answer your phone then how about you answer just one question… What the hell were you thinking?_

 _I'M WITH PAULA! How could you put me in that sort of position Donna?_

 _Why would you do this to me? HOW could you do this to me?_

 _I have just left Mikes. Your weren't there. I thought you would be there. I know I have said I am angry but seriously Donna I have to see you. I cant go to sleep, I can't switch off until I know what you are thinking. Please just call me. I promise I wont be a dick…_

 _I'm on my way home. Paula won't be there. If you see this then please come and meet me_

 _I'm home. You aren't here…. Where are you? Please just let me know that you are safe. I don't where else you would have gone. I'm worried._

 _I just need to know you are ok xxx_

After reading all of them she had felt guilty. She had read how his confusion had led to anger and then eventually to concern. The final message had been sent at 4.48 in the morning. Even in the early hours his thoughts had been for her safety. She realised now that she had been selfish to walk away. He had had questions and understandably so. He had gone to her apartment and then to Rachel's in the search of answers that he had a right to. And she had ignored him. She had ignored all of his pleas to meet her and to talk. There was a small part of her that now wondered what would have happened if she had read his message and had gone to his apartment that night. Images of naked bodies and tangled sheets entered her mind and she blinked them back trying to rid herself of those torturous thoughts. They would never have been a reality. Like he had said, he was with Paula and he would NEVER cross that sort of line. He probably even saw the fact that she had kissed him as some form of cheating. She covered her face with her hands, for the first time really considering that her actions might have cause Harvey to feel guilt and pain. She had never intended to put him in that situation. She had acted on impulse… screw the consequences! She wished that she could hear his voice. She wished that she had listened to that one voicemail to find out what he had said. It killed her that she couldn't. What a mess she had made of this whole situation…..

'Donna do you have anything to add?'

Harvey's voice pulled her from the past and back into the present. She was still sitting in the conference room. She had no idea how long she had been daydreaming. The look on Louis's face made her guess that it had been longer than she had realised. Her close proximity to Harvey ( she was sitting next to him and she could smell his cologne every time he shifted in his seat) had made he mind foggy and full of him. She looked up at him now and saw the start of a smirk on the corner of his lips. His eyebrow raise slightly as she sat there quietly trying to work out what she had missed.

'I'm guessing that's a no then?' He smiled at her and her heart jumped in her chest. She looked away, scared of the colour rising up her chest and onto her face. Instead she focused on the others seated with them. Harvey sat at the top of the table, flanked by herself and Louis. There was then Mike and Alex and finally Katrina and Rachel. Today Harvey had assembled his war council. After eight long days of meetings and planning with Louis and herself, he was finally going to tell the others about Jessica. They all knew of course, it was one of the worst kept secrets at the firm, but today was the day when they would start to look at the future of Specter Litt. She met the gaze of Rachel, who was looking at her wide eyed. 'I need to talk to you' her friend mouthed at her. Donna smiled back and nodded letting the young associate know that she had understood. Her head was so full of Harvey and the realisations of her feelings for him, that she wasn't sure that she could handle any other revelations, and the way Rachel continued to stare at her, Donna got the feeling that whatever she wanted to tell her was big. She turned her face away from Rachel's and found herself looking back at Harvey. Since realising she loved him she had found it difficult to look anywhere else. She had found herself searching out his eyes and his smile, whilst at the same time keeping a safe distance. She noticed that her was wearing one of her favourite ties. It was ice blue. She had a strange feeling that she had picked it out for him one lunch time when they had taken a trip to Tom Ford.

'Well if no one has anything to add then I guess we are done for this morning. I appreciate you all coming in early and putting off important work to sit down and discuss the future of this firm. I should say our firm because that's what it is. We have discussed over and over this morning what is going to happen, but the one thing that is damn certain is that there is a fight coming and it is going to be all hands on deck if we have a hope of keeping this firm a float. I might be sitting here looking at a senior partner, a junior partner and two associates right now but I need you to know that if I could, then I would be making you all named partners. But you know I can't and frankly I doubt you would have the buy in even if I did ask! Myself and Louis wanted you all to know that when the time comes your loyalty to this firm and to us will be rewarded. We have to grow to survive; I will need to hire new departments and new people, but this here…' he motioned to each of them '…. Is the heart of Specter Litt. You guys are my family and means that I will fight with and for each and everyone of you.'

As he took breath, Mike started to clap. Rachel covered her face in embarrassment at her fiancés display. Next thing Donna knew, Louis was clapping as well. Harvey sat there with an amused look on his face as slowly everyone joined in. He tilted his head towards her and in a voice only she could hear he whispered. ' Hey Paulsen, start clapping! You are letting the side down. Show a little appreciation to your master and commander!' Rolling her eyes she started to clap too. This was ridiculous. What a way to inflate Harvey's ego more than it already was. When the clapping finally died down Harvey continued

' well at least if this all goes to shit I know that I could hire myself out as a motivational speaker.'

'Or a gigolo!' Alex quickly threw in

'Isn't he a little old to be whoring himself out?' Mike retorted

Harvey shook his head. He pretended to look pissed but clearly was pleased that the meeting was ending on a lighthearted high. It had been a long week for him and Jessica leaving had taken its toll. Donna could see it in the faint lines around his eyes.

'Thank you Mike for bringing up the whole age thing again. Might I suggest you start looking for some new material?'

'The old jokes will never get boring and pretty soon you're going to start losing your memory and I will be able to use the same joke over and over again and you won't even realise it!'

'I'd like to revise my previous comment. All of you are family. Mike is just a dick!'

She noticed how he smiled over at her again before turning back to the others ' and on that note I think we should wrap this up, don't you?'

Everyone started to stand and get ready to leave. Rachel loitered by the door clearly waiting to speak to her. She felt guilty for wanting to avoid Rachel but she promised that she would make time later to talk to her. Perhaps she would suggest drinks and the could go out and let their hair down. She started to tidy the papers in front of her trying to ignore the feeling of Rachel's eyes on her back. No the eyes that were burning into her weren't coming from the door, but rather next to her. She glanced over and saw that Harvey hadn't moved and he was looking at her and nowhere else. She stood, smoothing her dress that had slid up her legs during the meeting, and turned to look at him. Harvey had twisted in his chair so that he could take her in. His legs were stretched out in front of him, feet crossed at the ankle, and he had the same partial smirk playing on the corner of his lips. She could see his eyes travelling up her body, from her red soled high heels all the way up to her pouting lips. She was wearing a tight emerald green dress, with long sleeves and a high neck at the front, that cut low at the back showing off an expanse of smooth freckled skin. It was perhaps a little too much for work but she didn't care. Since becoming COO she had opted for a more conservative wardrobe, but over the last week she had found herself reverting back to the Donna of old. She could read the look that was plastered over Harvey's face. It was approval mixed with just a little desire. It was a look she knew well. When she had started with him at the firm she had noticed when he had looked at her this way and had slowly found herself changing her wardrobe accordingly until every outfit had that desired effect. After he had started dating Paula she had stopped. It coincided nicely with the job change but that had never been the reason for it. And now? Now she knew how she felt. She loved dressing this way because it was who she was and she loved the response she got from him.

'Donna I…'

She looked at him, their eyes locking. The look he was giving her had changed. It was now just full on lust and it freaked her the hell out!

'…I think that we should….'

She didn't know what he thought they should be doing but she wasn't ready to hear it. Unless of course it involved him pushing her onto this table and…..

' I'm really sorry Harvey but whatever it is will have to wait. I have a meeting with Rachel but I can see you after?'

She had cut him off mid sentence more for her own sanity than anything else. She knew that eventually she would have to be in a room with him alone but she wanted the first time to be when she had a little more control. Fantasising about him taking her on the conference room floor didn't constitute as in control! So she had picked the lesser of two evils…. A conversation with Rachel.

Harvey's jaw dropped a little at her response.

' Sure. Later then.'

She move quickly towards the door, fighting every instinct to just kiss him again. She heard him speak and turned back. He was standing now, bent slightly with both hands resting, open palmed, on the glass table top. He smiled, a look that made her heart beat a little quicker.

'Oh and Donna...Nice dress.'

She practically ran out of the room and into Rachel who was standing just outside the door. She had obviously observed to the interaction between COO and Managing Partner, and her mouth was already partially open with a question about to leave her lips. Donna needed five minutes to collect her thoughts. As she rushed passed her friend without breaking stride she shouted over her shoulder.

' Just need the restroom. Meet me in my office in 15!'

Rachel had given her half an hour before appearing in her office. Donna was sitting behind her desk, pushing papers around but not really paying attention to anything. How could she concentrate on the recruitment of an HR director, when all she could see was Harvey? The way he had been looking at her today, she had only seen once before. That time she had been opening to door to him with a can of whipped cream in her hand. She wondered if this dress had finally broken him. Perhaps he had been at breaking point since the kiss?

She looked up and smiled as Rachel tentatively knocked on the door.

'Hey Rach, how are you?'

'I'm good. I came because I was summoned.'

'God I wasn't summoning you. I just knew you wanted to talk but needed a little break before because….'

' ….because of all the sexual tension between you and Harvey?'

Rachel was grinning, mainly because she knew she had hit the nail straight on the head.

'Well there's tension alright but I don't know if it's sexual.'

Rachel walked further into the office but didn't' sit. 'Are you kidding me? He spent the entirety of that meeting staring at you. His tongue was practically on the floor….'

Donna shrugged ' What can I say, I have that effect on men!'

They both laughed and Donna leant back in her chair stretching her hands above her head.

'So what news do you have for me? You seemed so excited in the meeting I was half expecting you to pass me a written note, like I used to do in High School!'

'I'm surprised you even noticed me trying to get your attention. Your mind seemed a little preoccupied with a certain someone next to you.'

'I don't know what you mean!'

'Come on Donna , at one point you were practically drooling!'

'I do not drool!'

'But you do daydream…..'

Donna swung her chair around to the window, smiling. There was no point denying it. She couldn't have told Rachel a single thing that was said in that meeting.

'I am going to take your silence as agreement'

'Good call councillor!'

She swung back to face Rachel whose pretty features were now filled with conflict.

'What's wrong?'

'There is something I want to tell you but….'

'Just tell me Rach, I'm a big girl. I can handle it.'

Rachel sighed. 'Ok. It's just that last night Mike was working late and he had a visitor.'

Suddenly Donna felt more at ease. She had thought this would be about Harvey but if it was to do with Mike and work then she had nothing to worry about.

'Who was it?'

'It was Paula….'

Well how wrong could she be. It hadn't been about work and it certainly was about Harvey. And she was guessing it was therefore about her too. She gulped in a large mouthful of air before asking the question she didn't want to know the answer too.

'What did Paula want?'

'Well she wanted to ask Mike if he thought she should feel threatened by the fact that you had kissed Harvey.'

The statement hung there. Paula knew. Harvey had told her.

'And what did Mike say?'

'I think his exact words were "Donna kissed Harvey?" !'

SHIT! Donna realised too late that she had been caught. She hadn't actually gotten around to telling Rachel in any detail what had happened that night and clearly Harvey hadn't told Mike either. Shit shit shit! And now there was nowhere to run, both emotionally of physically. That was why Rachel hadn't sat down. She was blocking the door like some sort of truth sentinel making sure there was no escape route. Well played Ms Zane!

'You kissed him?' Rachel's words were quiet and soft, her eyebrows raised and her eyes wide.

Donna nodded as a way of responding.

'Why?'

Rachel moved towards her now, finally taking a seat on the edge of the desk. Donna briefly calculated the chance of getting up, rounding the desk and making it across the office without being rugby tackled. The odds were not good. So instead she let the emotions of that night eight days ago flood over her.

'Because I just had to know'

Her friend didn't have to ask what she had found out; the feelings of love and regret were etched on her face.

'And Harvey?'

'Who the hell knows!'

'It explains a lot. He was so clearly confused when he came looking for you. Mike and I guessed something big had happened…. Not this big…. But big enough to make him act like a crazy man. We were expecting fire works the next morning….'

'Weren't we all!' She looked sadly at Rachel

'But you guys seemed fine.'

'That's because he has done what he always does. He has put all those feeling in a nice little repression box, locked it, thrown away the key and then built a god damn wall around it!'

'But the way he has been looking at you…..'

'Means shit because clearly he is still with Paula. If he wasn't then why the hell would she be in here interrogating Mike….'

'I don't think she was interrogating…..'

'Well she certainly didn't come here to play nice! If she wanted god damn answers, then rather than sneaking around asking Mike, she should have had the balls to ask the one person who could tell her what actually happened!'

She was seeing red and it was not pretty. Harvey couldn't just pretend like nothing had happened with her and then let his girlfriend run all over the office asking questions that were none of her business. But of course they were her business; Harvey's had told Paula what had happened and despite this they were still together. He must have told her that it had all been Donna. He must have said that it had meant nothing to him and that he regretted her actions. It was like a blow to the stomach. He couldn't have it both ways. He couldn't look at her the way he had been and then go home to Paula. He couldn't have his god damn cake and eat it. Not anymore. It was time for Harvey to choose…. And Donna already knew what his answer would be. He would never choose her. He would never put her first!

She stood, the force of her action propelling the chair back into the wall behind her.

'Donna what are you going to do.' Rachel's look was one of complete concern.

'I'm going to end it!'

'End it how?'

She didn't answer. Instead she scooped up her handbag off the floor and headed for the door.

'Donna please. Please don't anything you might regret. Just cool down and then go and talk to him. Don't go in there all guns…'

She didn't hear the rest of Rachel's plea because she was already half way down the corridor.

'Oh thank god I've found you. I need to talk to you about….'

She passed Louis without slowing. She kept looking forward, unwilling to let anyone or anything stop her. She had the momentum to do what needed to be done, fuelled by years of hurt and indignation, and she couldn't afford to let those feelings subside. That's how he had always won her back in the past. She felt Louis trotting beside her

'I can't stop Louis' she said as she rounded the corner and pressed the call button of the elevator, 'I have an appointment with a therapist that I can't be late for….'

She stepped inside the cold metal box and heard the doors slide shut behind her. Only when she knew that she was completely alone did she release the breath that she hadn't even realised she was holding.


	5. Chapter 5

**So I'm posting this a little sooner than planned. It's only half of chapter 5 but I really wanted to post it now! I liked Paula in season 5 but have struggled with the character they have made her this season... that might just be because she is with Harvey of course! So I have tried to write her like the Paula of old, with a bit of a backbone! I hope you enjoy. Chapter 5.2 will follow on shortly... thank you again for reading and all the wonderful reviews. Xxxx**

She had used the cab ride over to calm herself; to harness all of those feelings that had been bubbling under the surface of her skin since that night. She felt more composed and in control of her faculties than she had in months. This Donna wouldn't of handed back Harvey's apartment key, wouldn't have entertained the invitation from Mark Meadows and certainly wouldn't have walked away after kissing Harvey. This Donna knew what she wanted. She knew what to say, how to act and who she was. She was the woman who knew she was too terrified to tell Harvey to his face that she was done fighting, but not weak enough to tell his lover the exact same thing. She slipped out of the taxi and smoothed her dress and hair. She told him to wait with the meter running as this wasn't going to take long. It would be like ripping the bandage off, quick and painless.

She didn't knock, but merely entered. The room hadn't changed since the last time she had been here looking for Harvey. With its muted creams and whites, this room was a bland as the woman that Harvey now called his home. This is what he had been willing to chose over her? She was bright and bold and passionate, and everything that had pushed him over the years to be the man that he now was. But in the end he had settle for the calm seas of this woman, rather than tempest that was her. Hardly a surprise; He had never had any fight when it came to his personal life.

Paula sitting behind her desk looked up, a pen held to the corner of her mouth. If she had been expecting anyone else, she didn't show it. Years of being a therapist clearly had trained her to hide any emotions from showing on her petite face.

'Donna. This is a surprise. What can I do for you?' She didn't look to stand up, but rather leant ever so slightly back into her chair. Her face kept the same neutral expression

'And by surprise you actually mean what the hell are you doing in my office?'

Paula gave a tight smile. One that she was forcing to keep the pretence of politeness.

'On the contrary. I think we both know why you are here.'

'Really?'

'Of course. I spoke to Mike, who would have told his fiancé and I am under the impression that the two of you are good friends, which means she no doubt told you. So you turning up here was a pretty good bet, if you were a gambling man.'

She stood, moving round the desk and taking a seat on one of the sofas. She didn't offer Donna a seat, but she took one anyway. If she hadn't then she would have just continued the loiter by the door looking like she was about to take flight. Sitting kept her on the same equal footing as the blond opposite her. But by doing so she had put herself in the position that Paula was accustomed too. They were now the roles of patient and therapist. This had been the second time in one day that she had been outsmarted; first with Rachel in her office and now with Paula. She blamed Harvey and his burning gaze and what it had done to her. She quickly forced these images aside. She was done with him she reminded herself. He had chosen this.

'Like Harvey is?'

Even the mention of his name had little effect on Paula. This woman was good. She leant forward a little, pen still in hand. All she needed was a notepad and Donna would have actually been in a therapy session!

'Well Harvey does like to gamble. He has been playing a risky game of poker with your affections for a very long while.'

So there would be no beating around the bush. Good. She wanted to be out of here and away from this woman as quickly as possible. She couldn't help hating her. She had no reason too. Paula had done nothing to her but the thought she knew Harvey's darkest secrets cut her up inside. The thought that this women had somehow managed to do the one thing that alluded her, capture his heart, was almost too painful to bear.

'A game you think you know all about?' Despite her sarcastic tone, this was a genuine question. Paula was potentially the only person that knew how he felt about her.

'Donna please, I was his psychiatrist for many months. I have a pretty good handle on Harvey's relationship with you.'

And there it was. The truth. She knew. May be a little, but potentially everything. Not wanting to risk showing emotion with this woman she retorted in the only way she knew how.

'And now you are sleeping with him!'

It was a low blow. Bringing up the morally grey area of Paula and Harvey's relationship was underhanded but she had learnt how to win these verbal battles from the best. Harvey would do whatever was needed to win, despite the cost. He had always worked in the grey, a little like his relationship now was. Lines between right and wrong were always blurred when it came to him. Except on one thing. Infidelity. That was a thick black line.

'Yes.' If the comment had shaken Paula she didn't show it. 'Look Donna, I have an appointment in 10 minutes time. So why don't you just say whatever it is that impelled you to drive all the way over here in rush hour traffic so that I can get on with my day.'

'I just wanted to say if you had wanted to ask about what happened that night then my door was open. There was no need to bring Mike or anyone else into it.'

'Thanks for the offer but I didn't particularly want to discuss it with you.'

And there it was, the first crack in Paula's armour. It was just the slightest rise of colour in her pretty pale cheeks but Donna had spotted it. She wasn't as comfortable with this as she was pretending to be. Sitting back, feeling for the first time that she was in control of this conversation, the conversation that she had sought out, Donna continued with a smile on her lips

'Because you felt threatened by me?'

Paula was quick to recover

'Because you are threatened by me. You have had years to make a move on Harvey. Countless opportunities whilst he was single to tell him how you felt and you didn't. I think the reason you suddenly felt the desirous need to reach out to him now is because you were scared that you might actually lose him to me.'

Hammer. Nail. Head.

This woman was good. In a different situation Donna would have liked her. They may have even have been good friends. The two of them together might have been unstoppable!

'That's ridiculous'

'Is it? Because that's not how it seems. You and Harvey have an alarming co dependant relationship. He told me you were a great actress and he wasn't wrong. For the last 12 years you have been playing the roles of his secretary, friend, confidant, lover and mother at the same time, and by all accounts you have been putting on the performance of a lifetime!'

'That's horse crap…'

'Really? Because Harvey only really spoke about two women in his sessions. We got to his mother eventually but most of the time it was just you. He talked about Jessica briefly, but that was only in a work capacity. Hardly surprising when she was his mentor. But everything else revolved around his assistant. The fiery redhead who he used to dream about and then deny it! The scary truth is that you were the only significant relationship he had had with a woman for his entire adult life.'

She must have seen the shock on Donnas face. She was losing her footing in this conversation. The ground was shifting beneath her and she was struggling to stay standing. Harvey had been dreaming about her? When? After she had left him for Louis? Paula didn't give her time to recover. She forged on, using the swing in momentum in her favour

'And I thought it was just him. That it was a world he had created to counter balance the effect of his relationship with his mother. I mean I only met him because he physically couldn't handle you not being in his life. But I have started to realise that this goes both ways. The day you came looking for him, you told me that Harvey didn't know what he was missing. It was the first time that I had considered that you might like him, that you liked this pedestal he had put you on. The perfect Donna; too precious to touch but far too valuable to hide away! Since I have been with Harvey it has become apparent that you need him to need you just as much as he did. And when you realised that perhaps one of those roles, you enjoy playing so much, was going to be filled by someone else you lashed out. I bet it has been the same with everyone of Harvey's previous partners. Every time he started to get close to someone, my guess is you didn't like it did you? Because you like that you are the only one he relies on? He can get physical contact from any pretty woman that crosses his path, but the emotional stuff, that was only ever you.'

This had been a mistake. Paula was reading her like a god damn book. She wasn't used to being told how she felt in such and open and frank way.

'Are you done?'

She stood to leave. She couldn't hear anymore

'No Donna I'm not. You came into my office, interrupted my day, wanted to talk to me, which means you are going to stay and listen to what I have to say. You don't get to choose how much you want to hear. So I suggest you sit the hell back down!'

Paula's voice had raised an octave. Donna didn't want, no couldn't, listen to anymore. She turned. She was about 10 steps away from the door

'I really don't….'

She made it about 6 steps before Paula's words cut her off and stopped her dead in her tracks.

'He told me that he hated you for what you had done'

She turned back slowly letting the words sink in. Hate. Four letters that shook her to her core.

'What?'

Paula was the one smiling now. The pleasure was written all over her face. She held the trump card.

'Hate. That was the exact word he used. When he told me about your little kiss he was so angry. At first it was just guilt. He was consumed by it, about how he felt that he had betrayed me, but as he talked about what you had done all of that guilt vanished. What was left was dark and violent. He hated you Donna. Truly despised you in that moment. I mean I'm not sure how you thought your little stunt was going to play out but I thought that the so called woman who knows Harvey better than anyone else, might have been able to work out that kissing him, whilst he was in a relationship, may not have been the smartest move. All you did was drag up all that shit about his mother…'

Her words were like daggers. Hate. He hated her. She used the only weapon she had left in her arsenal

'Shit. It that the professional term?''

It was a weak attempt as sarcasm, but she was on the floor. The final punch had put her there.

'Of course. Covering real feelings with sarcastic snide comments. You and Harvey really are the same. And no it isn't a technical term but I think it's pretty apt. You made him the one thing he never wanted to be. You forced him into that situation. He was so mad that I thought he was going to fire you, but supposedly you are too important to the firm. So he has let you stay. But I think you should know that your relationship with Harvey will never be the same. You burnt every bridge you had with him. Except for the professional ones of course. He will trust you in a professional capacity but as far as personal relationships are concerned, Harvey wants absolutely nothing to do with you. So I would, in my professional opinion of course, get the hell over him because you are never going to get what you want.'

Down but not knocked out, Donna used every ounce of her inner strength to pull herself back up. This shouldn't bother her. She had known that it was over with her and Harvey. She had guessed that when she had realised that he was still with Paula. She knew it when he hadn't tried to kiss her back that night in the office. She had known it every single time she had open herself up to him and he had run from her. She had come here to tell Paula that she could have him and that was what she was going to do! But for the way this woman had made her feel she was going to throw a few punches of her own. If Paula was worried about feeling threatened then she was going to give her something to worry about!

'That was very insightful Paula, but a little late. I came here to tell you that when I kissed Harvey, I felt nothing. He kissed me back and I was the one that pulled away. If I had of wanted him, then I could have had him that night but I chose not to. The guilt that he was feeling is because he did feel something when I kissed him and there has been a look of desire written all over his face everyday since. So you don't need to worry about me feeling threatened by you or vice versa, because I don't want Harvey in that way. So you can keep him. But I suggest you have a long, frank conversation about what he wants because he isn't just keeping me around because of my job performance. I will keep my distance from him but I cant guarantee that he will do the same. Perhaps when you have your little chat, you can pass on to him that I don't appreciate being stared at openly in meetings and that any chance he had with me is gone. That door is firmly shut!'

'Are you saying all this to convince me you don't want him, or yourself?'

'Neither. I am merely stating fact. I don't give a rats arse about yours and Harvey's relationship, but I do give one about my friendship with Mike and Rachel. So like I said before, if you have something you want to ask about Harvey and I, then leave them the hell out of it. After all, you know where to find me. I'm in the office right next to your boyfriends!'

She turned to leave, just needing to get out of this oppressive white room. Her hand was on the handle feeling the freedom and fresh air just on the other side. She heard Paula stand up And then felt her presence next to her. When she looked the other woman was about a foot away, all the civility gone from her face.

'Donna. I might give the impression that I am calm and unassuming but I need to make something very clear. When you eventually stop burying your head in the sand about your feelings for Harvey, you might think that you want to try something like this again. Don't. You may honestly believe he felt something that night but he didn't. Harvey and I are together and I think that we could have something very special. If you try anything that might jeopardise my relationship, then mark my words you will see a whole other of me. Because I will come out swinging. I won't give up on a chance of happiness without a fight.'

Donna merely nodded. The message had been received loud and clear. Paula was playing for keeps and there was nothing she could do about it. There was a dawning realisation that she may have left it too late; that Harvey had already slipped from her grasp. For all the talk of it being over and that she didn't want him anymore, she wasn't convincing anyone. Not Paula, not Louis, not Rachel and Mike and most importantly not herself.

She got outside and started walking so fast that she was practically running. She slipped into the waiting cab as the tears streamed down her face. They were a mixture of confusion, frustration and guilt. Harvey had said that he had hated her and yet she had been certain that the way he had been looking at her had been fuelled by something else entirely. Was she wrong? Was she reading the situation completely incorrectly? Paula had been so right on so many things. She hated her because she knew she had finally met her match. Harvey had potentially found the only woman she couldn't compete with. She knew that this was a battle she had instigated this afternoon but had lost in a monumental fashion! Tonight was going to be a night for some hard choices and tough decisions. It might finally be the time to face up to the fact that Harvey was gone and she needed to work out what that meant for her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you so much for all your comments on chapter 5... I can't tell you how much I enjoyed reading them. I've also realised how much I loved writing Paula in that chapter! I'm not sure if she will make another appearance but I kind of want her too. M** **aybe she can tear a few strips off of Harvey next time!**

 **So here is chapter 6. After having 3 Donna-centric chapters this is a little Harvey one. Like always thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy. Xxxx**

Ever since Harvey had turned up in the early hours of the morning at their apartment, Mike had been feeling responsible for what had happened. His chat with Donna had clearly been some sort of catalyst for the events of that night. Everything had seemed fine between them the following day, but he knew it was all superficial. Donna was clearly drowning under the weight of what had happened and too often Mike had seen his best friend struggling in his own stoic way. There were so many times in the last week when he had found Harvey standing outside his office looking at the desk that once had been Donna's. And no one could deny the way Harvey had been looking at her, or the fact that she had been clearly avoiding spending any time alone with him. They had been dancing around each other and the subject of that night ever since. It was killing them both. Then Paula had shown up and had shone a light on what had happened. They had kissed. No wonder both of them were so bloody confused! And now Rachel had told him that Donna had stormed off this afternoon, after finding out that Paula knew everything. Things were unravelling fast and it was high time for someone to step in. He had tried an honest conversation with Donna, now he realised he needed to do the same with Harvey. Getting his friend to open up about his feelings was going to be an uphill struggle, if not impossible, but he had come armed! He approached Harvey's office to find him sitting in there with the lights off.

'Sitting in the dark…. Looks like you are hiding?'

Harvey looked up from where he had been looking out the window.

'Not hiding. You just get a better view of the city with the lights off.'

'So contemplating life then?'

'Something like that.' He swung his chair back round to face his desk 'What can I do for you Mike?'

'Bought you something that might help you think, or better enjoy the view.' Mike placed the bottle of Macallan 29 year old single malt on the desk. 'A little gift from yours truly.'

Harvey picked it up, turning the bottle over to read the label

'What's the occasion?'

'Well you were talking about making people named partner and I just wanted to make sure my name was at the top of the list!'

Harvey smirked, some of the melancholy leaving his face

'And you bought me a bottle of whiskey? Really? That's the best you could do?'

'Hey that's an $11,000 bottle of drink, and I think I remember you bought the same thing for Scottie when she joined the firm…..'

'… I also paid her buy in…'

'So what your saying is…..'

'I want a sports car!'They both laughed 'but this will do nicely whilst you decide whether it's going to be a Porsche of a Ferrari!'

Harvey smiled at his friend, who watched the last of the tension drain from his face as he did. 'Seriously Mike, thank you for this. This is a really nice gesture. I appreciated this and everything you do for me.'

'You sound like we are getting precariously close to hugging territory!'

'Well in which case we need to move swiftly in another direction, so what are you standing there for? Go get some glasses. Let's get this thing opened.'

'You are going to let me share?'

'Time for you to enjoy some of the finer things. And if you were willing to pay that much for a bottle, it's only fair that you get to taste it.'

Mike went and got two glasses and then sat on the sofa. Harvey opened the bottle, poured, and then joined him.'

'So what's this really for? There is no way you found this bottle in just one day.'

Mike shrugged

'Paula asked me to find something special for you.'

'Then why isn't she giving this to me?'

'Because she thought that 11k was a little excessive for a bottle of whiskey! But I knew how much you'd like it so bought it anyway. Plus now I actually get to try it!'

He took a sip of the liquid 'and for the record we aren't telling Rachel I spent this much on a gift for you'

'Understood'

They sat in silence whilst drinking. Harvey finally broke the quiet.

'So you have been speaking with Paula?'

'A few times.'

In the dark, Mike saw Harvey smile again. It was filled with pain and sadness. 'That would be a few more times than I have then.'

Mike was pleased at where this conversation was going. Talk of Paula led to talking about Donna... and all it had taken to get him this far was a massive bill on his Amex!

'You guys have broken up?'

He shook his head. 'No. We are just taking some time apart ….'

'…..Because of Donna?'

'And what do you know about Donna and I?'

'Only that you turned up looking for her at ours, desperate to speak with her. Then for the last week you two have been sharing longing looks at each other across the room but haven't spent any time alone, which is so unlike you both. And then finally, last night, I get cornered in my office by your girlfriend, who asks me if I think she should be worried about the fact you and Donna kissed!'

'Paula told you that?'

'Yes'

Harvey placed his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands

'Shit!'

'It wasn't a situation that I was particularly comfortable with.'

Harvey shook his head.

'I'm sorry Mike. She had no right to put you in that position.'

'Well what's done is done.' He stood and refilled both their glasses.

The fact that he already knew what had happened that night, meant Harvey couldn't use secrecy as a way to hide. He already knew the truth. He hoped that it would be enough of a foothold to pry open the part of Harvey where all of his feelings were kept. His emotions were normally so well guarded that he would shut down Mike, or anyone else, with one of his smart arsed comments before they managed to breach the surface. There were only a handful of occasions when Harvey had let his calm facade slip enough for Mike to see the emotional turmoil within. On every single one of these occasions it had been Donna that had been the cause.

'Do you mind me asking what you told her?' Harvey's voice was too calm and too measured. He was trying to keep control of a situation that was perhaps a little out of his depth. He must have really wanted to know the answer, otherwise he would have already shut this line of conversation down and Mike would have been back talking about work or sports. Here was his chance to crack open Harvey Specter's personal Pandora's box of emotional denial!

'I told her that yours and Donna's relationship is complicated and if she wanted to know what was going on then there were only two people that could tell her that.'

Harvey sighed. 'Damn right its complicated.'

'Not if you and Donna were just honest about how you felt.'

'And what does that mean?'

It meant that he was in! Pandora's box was officially open!

'It means that Donna shared her feelings when she kissed you, maybe its time that you do the same!'

'What if I don't know how I feel?'

Mike tried to smile as a way to ease he tension that had reappeared on his friends face. There were lines of worry etched across his forehead and his eyes were dark and brooding. But he was still talking and right now that was all that mattered.

'I think you are right. Maybe you don't know how you feel and that's why I found you sitting in your office in the dark; Which is why you have been sitting in the dark every night since you came to our place looking for her. The only way to work this out is to talk to her.'

Harvey stood and walked towards the window, picking up one of the basket balls and looking at it intently.

'She doesn't want to speak. She kissed me and then just left without giving me a chance to say anything. She's been ignoring all my calls and then she has been avoiding me at work for the last week. She has left me with no clue as to what she really feels...One minute she is kissing me and the next she is ignoring me!'

'Then you need to make her talk to you.'

'And how would that go?' He turned to face Mike now, ' Hey Donna about that night you kissed me. Well I didn't want you to stop and I really wished that you hadn't! When you kissed me, you opened a floodgate of pent up feelings from the last decade, and I couldn't have stopped myself even if I had wanted too... you were the one to stop it ... and if you hadn't? I know what I wanted, I wanted to throw you onto your god damn desk and fuck you right there in your office! I wanted to take that one part of you, that you told me years ago I was never allowed! I have towed the line, never overstepping it, because of your bloody rule and then you were kissing me! How did you think I would feel? How did you think I would react?...'

He slumped back on the sofa. Mike was a little shocked at how open Harvey was suddenly being with him. But he realised he wasn't really saying it to him. He was saying all of the things he should have been saying to her, but had been too afraid or stupid to say.

'…..and then you left. And then I remembered that I had a girlfriend. I have felt like shit ever since because I realised that I would have been willing to cross that line with you. I would have cheated on her because I can't control myself when I am around you!' He shrugged, his eyes closed, almost unaware that Mike was still in the room 'So I told Paula what happened because I felt so guilty and we fought and I told her that I hated you! And now we are taking some time apart, so I can work out what I feel and if I want a relationship with her and so she can decide whether she can ever trust me again. But despite trying to, I can't make any sense of my feelings on my own. I don't know what I want! I've always needed your help when it comes to this shit. This time you're the only person that can help me know what I want but you have shut me out. Despite you starting all of this, you have shut me the hell out!'

He paused taking in a low ragged breath. He opened his eyes and focused back on Mike 'How's that for starters?'

Intense, Mike thought to himself but decided not to voice it. From never sharing anything about his feelings, to this; it was like an avelanche of emotions that Harvey had obviously kept bottled up for years! Trying to come up with a response, Mike focused on one of the many things that had surprised him. Not the sex thing... Clearly the two of them needed to get that out of their system; the sexual tension between them had been palpable even before the kiss!

'You said you hated her?'

Harvey nodded

'Yes'

'Do you?'

'Of course I don't hate her. I want too, but I can't. It's Donna, and no matter what shit she does to me, I will always forgive her. I'm frustrated that she didn't speak to me and disappointed that she put me in this position without considering what it would do to me. But when I told Paula, I felt so ashamed and angry and the words came out anyway, because I knew that that's how I should be feeling. I should hate her. I should hate her a little bit because of what it made me do to Paula. Because I care about Paula. She has been cheated on before and I knew it. I knew she had been hurt before and I promised myself I would never hurt her. But because of Donna, because of that kiss, I have. Do you know what an arsehole that makes me?'

'You didn't do this to hurt her'

'I know that. But what I wanted to do, what I have wanted to do with Donna ever since she kissed me..… I don't care what anyone else says…to me that's as good as cheating!'

'Then break it off with her?'

He shook his head 'I cant.'

'Why not?'

'Because what if I have gotten this all wrong?

'So you are just hedging your bets in case things don't work out with Donna?'

'That's not what I'm doing...'

Mike could see that Harvey was struggling to come up with the words to explain the reason why he hadn't officially ended it with Paula. He could have let him off the hook but he thought that this was good for his friend. Maybe he needed a mirror held up to him so he could see the mess he was making of everything. Eventually Harvey spoke again but what he was saying was no longer about Paula. It always came back to Donna. It always had done and it always would!

'...You're right when you say that Donna and I are complicated. I love her. I have loved her for a long long while. But am I in love with her? Because the way I see it those are two different things. And of course I have thought about her as more than just a friend. Sure I look at her in that way, you would have to be blind not to think she was gorgeous and sexy and beautiful. But do I really think that that's enough for us to make this work? Being attracted to someone isn't always enough. And our whole relationship is built around this place. It's always been about our careers and this business. So how does that transfer? How do we take what we have here and make it work outside of these walls? I don't know the answer to any of those questions and I am scared shitless of risking everything we have on a throw of a dice. If I tell her I want more and then we cant make it work then I lose her. I cant lose her. I would rather have this, than nothing at all.'

Mike paused before answering, letting Harvey's words sink in.

'What if I told you that you might lose her anyway?'

He shrugged, the same sad smile playing on his lips,

'Then it would have been her choice to walk away. I'm not asking her to leave. I'm just saying I might want things to stay the same.'

'Well she is going to leave and you will have been the biggest fools I have ever known by letting her go!'

Mike had had a huge speech prepared, listing all of the times that he had seen how much Harvey cared for Donna. He had presumed that this would have been the battle he needed to have with his friend. But Harvey already knew how he felt. That was now obvious. What he was scared of was losing her and that was something Mike couldn't change. He couldn't force his friend to take his head of his ass and realise that he was missing out on a chance to be happy with the woman he loved because he was too much of a coward to put her first. This Harvey Specter, Mike didn't know or understand. He risked everything within these walls, he had even risked everything for her, but it had only ever been about business and never about his heart. Mike suddenly felt very depressed because he knew that he couldn't fix this. Neither could Rachel, or Louis or even Donna. The only person who could was Harvey and not even Donna kissing him had been enough to make him realise that he could have it all.

He stood to leave, shaking his head. ' At some point soon Harvey, she won't be sitting in the office next to yours. You are right when you say that she's beautiful. She is also smart and talented and kind. Someone soon is going to see that as well and she is going to stop waiting for you and start a life with someone else. If you think that she is still going to continue working here once that happens then you are wrong. She wants a family Harvey. She wants kids and a life beyond this firm. And no man in their right mind is going to be happy with her continuing to spend time with the man that she has spent over a decade in love with.' He walked to the door, ' So stay in the dark. Continue to date Paula and pretend that everything will be fine. Because in the end the only person you are hurting is yourself.'

Harvey looked up at him and for the first time Mike saw some sort of understanding behind his eyes.

'Thanks for the drink Harvey. Have a nice rest of your night.'

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harvey found himself walking the same way he had eight nights before. He wasn't being led there this time; tonight it was his head and his heart working in unison, propelling him forward towards his destination.

Towards her.

Mike was right, not that he would ever admit it, about the fact he was going to lose her either way. It was a bitter pill to swallow. It was happening already. It had been happening long before that kiss. It had started with Liberty Rail and had been slowly rolling towards the inevitable ever since. He should have known that she was hurting. He should have seen it when she had handed back his apartment key. He should have seen it when he had told her about Paula. He should have seen it in a million different moments that they had shared since she had asked for more. But he had been blind to them all, because admitting that she was hurt meant admitting that he was the cause, and he hated the thought that he could ever cause her pain. But now they were both on the same page at last. Both of them wanting the same thing.

He crossed the road and headed into her apartment building. He was earlier tonight so the door wasn't locked. He passed the desk and the security guard smiled and nodded at him ' Good evening Mr Specter'

He wondered if they were dating, if he would just become Harvey to the man on the front desk. Would she still choose to live here, or would she move into his? Would they buy somewhere together? They had known each other for so long, he couldn't see that it would take them long to move in with each other. They were already used to spending up to 18 hour days in each other's company and at night he would want her in his bed…

As the elevator doors opened on her floor he realised how much he needed to speak with her. He needed to talk about them. He need to talk about the future she wanted. They couldn't throw it round as a hypothetical any more, a vague concept of them together. He needed to know as much as she did, if there was ever going to be a future for them. He couldn't believe he had allowed her the eight days before forcing them to have this conversation. It was a conversation he had begged her to have that night and one he should have begged her to have every day since then...

At the thought of this, self doubt flooded over him and suddenly his mind was filled with just one question.

Did she really want this?

Everyone said that she did and yet he wasn't sure. She had made the first move that night, but she had ignored every attempt he had made since. She had been using Louis as a bodyguard, making sure that she never had to spend time with him alone and she had ignored his messages. But neither of these were the reason why he was faltering at the last hurdle. It was the voicemail he had left her. In the early hours of that morning he had called her and he had poured his heart out to her answering machine. He had said everything he had said to Mike about wanting her that night, but he had also said so much more. He had told her that he wanted everything. He wanted her to be his. He had told her that he loved her. All he had asked in return was that she spoke to him the following day, or once she was ready, to let him know that she understood that he would need some time. He needed to clear up the mess caused by Jessica leaving, end things with Paula and then, when he had the headspace to consider how the two of them could make this work, he would be with her. He didn't know how long it would take but he needed her to allow him that space to work it all out. It had taken them 13 years to get this far. She had worked out what she now wanted but he had never been as fast as her! She had to let him work out the last few bits on his own, if they were ever going to have a chance.

But she had never come and spoken to him. She had never said she understood. He knew that he should have asked her why she hadn't responded to his message but she had given him no opportunity. Bloody Louis had always been there! So he had to ask himself, if she had really wanted him, then surely she would have been willing to wait? Surely she would have told him that she had heard him loud and clear and that she wanted this too; that she loved him like he loved her. Or had he read this whole thing wrong? When she had kissed him had she realised that she felt nothing? Was that the reason why she had left him? Was that why she refused to be around him because she didn't want to have the awkward conversation where she had to tell him that she didn't feel the same? He was so bloody confused by this whole situation. And by her.

His hand knocked on the door, an action repeated so many times in the past. He stood back staring at the 206. Had coming here been a big mistake? He had left the ball in her court. He had told her to speak to him once she was ready… did she need more time too? Was he the one now forcing the issue? And Mike had been right. He was still technically with Paula. If Donna opened that door and invited him in would he have the self control to leave again, or would he wake up tangled in her sheets and knotted up with the guilt of betraying a woman he still cared for? Harvey Specter was like a rabbit caught in headlights, scared to death of what was behind that door. He had arrived hoping that this was the start of his future but there was a very good chance that it would be the end for him and Donna. If she didn't feel the same way then he didn't think he would be able to survive it. Maybe he had been right earlier that night. Maybe it wasn't worth the risk. Maybe he was better to hold onto the friendship he had with her now, rather than jeopardising it all. After all, losing her would break him

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Donna heard the knock on the door, she was already in bed. She had drunk way too much when she had gotten home, in an attempt to wash away the humiliation of her encounter with Paula, and now she had a headache. She knew who it was outside waiting for her. He always knocked in the same way; strong and confident, demanding to be let in even when he had no right. She got out of bed and pulled on her robe over her PJ's. She checked her reflection in the mirror on the way out the bedroom. She wanted to make sure that there were no longer any tell tale signs that she had been crying. She took a deep breath and opened the door…. To find that the hall was empty. She stepped out to make sure he wasn't hiding round the corner, but there was no one there. She had taken too long to open the door and like a phantom he had disappeared! She went inside and headed to the living room window. She looked out searching for his Lexus town car, which she expected to see pulling away from the curb outside of the building. It wasn't there. Scanning the road for signs of the car, checking the tail lights as they disappeared down the road she realised he was gone. Or had she just imagined the knock? Was she so consumed by him that she was now imagining him when he wasn't even there?

She was so preoccupied with searching for his car, that she didn't notice the silhouette of a man, who looked as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, walking silently away from her apartment and away from any chance of happiness...

xxxxxxxxx

 **Full disclosure - the price of the bottle of Macallan is correct, which is mental!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry this chapter has taken a little longer to post. I had some serious writers block and it took me a couple of weeks (and rewatching some suits episodes!) to get me back on track. This has ended up feeling like a little bit of a filler chapter but I have started working on chapter 8 and I'm really excited about it! I hope you enjoy and as always thank you so much for your wonderful reviews. They mean so much to me. Xxx**

Harvey swore as he slammed the phone down. He grabbed the nearest object (a stapler) and hurled it as hard as he could. It ricocheted off the wall, leaving a dent in the plaster, and clattered onto the floor, surrounded be a sea of staples. He thumped his hands onto the desk.

'FUUUUUUCK!'

The noice of flying office equipment hitting the wall, combined with his turning the air blue, had drawn the attention of his temporary assistant, whose head appeared tentatively around the door. He must have been in his mid 20's and reminded Harvey of Harold Gunderson in both looks and temperament. Faux Harold looked at the broken stapler, then to Harvey and then back to the stapler, his face filled with confusion and fear. He had obviously heard of Louis's sudden bursts of rage but hadn't been prepared to deal with it from the managing partner!

'Would you like me to pick that up Mr Specter?' He entered the room, heading for the discriminating object but then suddenly thought the better of it. And there he remained, like he was playing some strange game of musical statues; completely still, partially bent down, arm out and hand open, looking intently at Harvey. Harvey looked back at him with a bemused expression on his face.

'Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure that its never going to work again.'

Faux Harold stood back up and started to retreat towards the door

'Would you like me to get you another stapler Mr Specter? I think there will be another in the stationary cupboard… or you could just have mine if you'd like…'

'...It's fine Harold, I don't need another stapler…

'….My names Chris, Mr Specter.'

Of course it bloody was! Harvey rolled his eyes as a smirk formed on his lips. For a brief moment, this slightly bizarre comedy sketch involving him, Chris/Harold and the stapler, had almost made him forget why he had thrown it in the first place. It had been light relief from the fury that had threatened to overcome him moments before. He shook his head at the scared temp.

'Sorry I meant Chris. Look don't worry about that,' he motioned to the mess on the floor 'but if you could go and see if Donna is back from her meeting, then that would be great. Tell her I need to speak to her urgently.'

Faux Harold cocked his head, the expression of confusion growing on his face.

'Who?'

'Donna'

Harvey noticed the slightest movement of faux Harolds shoulders, confirming what his face was already betraying. Fucking hell, Harvey thought to himself. How on gods earth had he ended up with an assistant who didn't have a clue who Donna was! He took a deep breath trying to regulate the words that came out of his mouth next. It was lucky there weren't any other heavy objects in close proximity to his throwing arm. Not knowing who Donna was, was like a personal insult to him. How could you work here and not know her; not know how important she was to this firm and to him?

'Donna is Ms Paulsen. She is COO of this firm and her office is right next door...'

He watched as understanding registered on the poor guys face

'…so if you could just pop next door and tell her to get her arse in here then that would be great!'

Faux Harold nodded as he backed towards the door, clearly desperate to end this exchange. As he got within spitting distance of his escape, Harvey spoke again.

'Oh and Chris.…..If you could tell Donna that I seemed a little pissed then that would be great. Feel free to mention the state of my stapler. I'd like her to know what kind of mood I'm in!'

He didn't quiet catch the words of the temp as he stumbled out the door and towards Donnas office. He turned in his chair to face the window, closing his eyes and taking long slow breaths. God he needed a permanent secretary! It had been suggested to him on multiple occasions over the last month, but he had refused. He had thought he was capable of doing all of this with just the help of some temporary assistants. How wrong had he been. He regretted not taking up Louis's offer of sharing Gretchen. Ahhhhh Gretchen. Those were the good old days when the person outside his office wasn't a complete and utter fool. Maybe if he asked Louis really nicely then he would agree to give her back to him. He shook his head. Nope, Louis would want something in return and Harvey couldn't think they would ever be able to agree on terms that would make them both happy. Images of the opera, cats and mud flittered across his mind. Sorry Gretchen… you were great at your job but even your secretarial skills were not worth that kind of sacrifice!

He swung back round in his chair as he heard the knock on his door. Faux Harold was back, red faced and refusing to make eye contact. He was staring intently out the window somewhere approximately a foot above Harvey's head.

'I'm sorry Mr Specter, but Ms Paulsen is still out with Ms Bennett. Should I call them and see how long they will be?'

Harvey tapped his fingers on the edge of the desk. He needed answers but he knew what Donna was out doing was important. As much as he wanted to summon her back to the office so he could give her a piece of his mind, he knew that his personal anger had to come second to the firm. Right now she needed to be out there with Katrina, rather than in here on her hands and knees apologising and begging for forgiveness. His mind started to wander into the dangerous territory of Donna on all fours in his office. He blinked away the thought and the sudden feeling of arousal that came with it. He realised though, that there was more than one way to skin a cat. Donna wasn't the only one that he could interrogate….

He shook his head. 'Don't worry about it, if she is still out then its fine. But you could go and see if Rachel is free….'

Here he paused, staring intently at the temp '...You do know who Rachel is, or do I need to explain that as well?'

Relief flooded the faux Harolds face ' God no! I know who Ms Zane is. She is the really hot one who….'

'….. who is engaged to a partner as this firm!'

The blood drained from his face and he looked as though he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. If only there was a rock to hide under….

'Of course sir. I didn't mean to offend anyone… I mean Rachel… err Ms Zane…. Is very attractive but I didn't…. errr.. I mean…'

Harvey took pity on the poor guy and despite enjoying the display, and being called sir, he put him out of misery.

'It was an honest mistake but one that I suggest you don't repeat in front of Mike Ross. He might be less forgiving about you perving on his future wife! Now if you could go a get Ms Zane that would be great. I presume you know where her office is?'

He mumbled that he did and practically run for the door.

Harvey smiled to himself. Perhaps he had been too quick to dismiss the idea of having someone like Harold on his desk, as there was something slightly satisfying about watching the young man squirm. Shit was he turning into Louis? Wasn't this the kind of crap he pulled with the associates?

He returned to drumming his fingers on the desk as he waited for his prey; a steady rhythm that matched the beat of his heart beneath his shirt. He felt a little bad for Rachel as he realised she was going to get the brunt of his wrath. It would be the second occasion is as many weeks that Donnas actions would lead to him taking it out on her. But they were friends and he knew that she was up to her eyeballs in all of this as well. Someone had told Donna about Paula's late night visit to Mike's office and he had a pretty good idea who it had been. The call he had just gotten off of had been from Paula. She had been pissed as hell about Donna's trip to her office three days before. Harvey was only finding out about it now because, if truth be told, he had been ignoring her. She had called three nights ago asking to meet him for dinner, saying they had to talk. He had used the age old excuse of work as a reason not to go. In actual fact he had sat in the dark, drunk expensive scotch with Mike and then had taken a little late night stroll to Donna's. At the time the choice not to see her had been fuelled by his desire to get some breathing space. It had been her suggestion to take some time to work out what they both wanted and frankly he had thought that her suggestion of dinner was a little premature. She knew him; so why the hell she thought he would only need a few days to work out all of his shit was beyond him! But she had messaged the next day about lunch and then again last evening about dinner. He knew something wasn't right, when she had left 5 missed calls on his phone, that he saw when he had arrived back from a meeting, a little after lunch time. In fear of her showing up here and there being an awkward confrontation between her and Donna (ironic considering that had already taken place without him knowing!) he had promised that he would call her straight away. But then Katrina had walked in with a potential way to screw over Malik and Harvey had been drawn in to a sequence of meetings with her, Donna, Louis and Mike. Rachel and Alex had insisted on taking over some of their caseloads, whilst they had focused on bringing that son of a bitch down. It had only been at 6pm, when he had finally left Louis's office, that he had realised he still hadn't called her. So he did, ready to apologise in full for ignoring her for the last 72 hours. What he hadn't been prepared to apologise for was Donna's seemingly unprovoked attack on Paula in her own office. Paula had painted quiet a picture of how Donna had gone after her, throwing round some pretty shitty comments as to the morality of their relationship and stating outright that she wanted nothing to do with him and that Paula could have him! He wasn't sure if she had emphasised the last point in the hopes it would be enough of a motivation for him to stop trying to work out what he wanted and just to choose her!

The whole conversation had left him angry and frustrated. The now abandoned, and broken, stapler had been a culmination of both of these feelings. He had spent practically all afternoon with Donna and she hadn't given the slightest inclination that there was anything wrong, aside from the obvious of course. He also couldn't understand why she had sought out Paula, when she hadn't been bothered enough to talk to him. He was right next door for Christ sakes! If she wanted to tell him she felt nothing then she didn't need to drive halfway across the city to tell his estranged girlfriend. He had been right here the whole time!

'Hi Harvey, I was on the way to see you when I bumped into Chris. He is a little, how do I put this nicely…..'

Rachel's sentence petered out as she noticed the stapler on the floor. Thinking the better of mentioning it, she stepped over the carnage, threw some files on the desk and sat down on the chair opposite from him. She crossed her legs and ran her fingers through her hair as she continued to speak.

' so that's the file on the Dresden merger. All seems pretty standard. I'm happy to get Mike to have a quick scan over it this evening if you want to get a second opinion…'

Harvey shook his head ' ….I trust you…'

'…well in which case I will get the paperwork sorted. Alex and I had a conversation about Mikes pro bono and we both think the whilst the Malik thing is going on it might be best to push it over to the clinic. I made contact with Oliver there and can drop off all the info tonight on my way home….. oh and I booked in the deposition of Carl Morley for next Tuesday. His secretary was being a pain in the arse and wanted to reschedule but I told her that Harvey Specter didn't just change his diary and if her boss wanted you to represent him then the deposition would be Tuesday at 10!

'Thank you Rachel. That's great work'

' No problems boss.' She smiled at him. She had no clue of the shit storm she was about to walk into 'So how is everything going with our Malik problem?'

'Slowly. But we have only just started to pull at the thread. You just need to tug it once, hard enough, and it will all unravel. And at that point Malik will have no where to hide. That son of a bitch will be spending the next 15-20 behind bars.'

'Only if we are right'

'We're right. We've got him.'

'So now its down to Katrina and Donna, trying to convince Holly Cromwell to help. Do you know how Donna's doing?'

Harvey smirked 'That was actually what I wanted to ask you?'

'Well I haven't spoken to her since this morning so I don't….'

'… after her conversation with Paula'

The colour drained from Rachel's face but she managed to stay composed. It's what makes her a great lawyer Harvey thought to himself.

'Look Harvey I don't really know what's going on with you guys, but I would rather stay out of it?'

'Like you did when you told Donna that Paula had visited Mike?'

Rachel shrugged 'She's my friend. What was I supposed to do?'

'Follow your own advise and stay out of it?'

'Like you did when you showed up at my home nearly two weeks ago?'

Guilty as charged!

'That was different….'

'How?'

'Because I had to see her.'

'To shout at her or to tell her you feel the same way?'

'That's none of your god damn business!'

'No its not! And I didn't want to be caught in the middle of it. But here I am. Mike didn't want to be caught up in it either but Paula dragged him in. Mike, Louis and I didn't want to be a part of this Harvey, but you and Donna have pulled us into this mess because neither of you are brave enough to say how you actually feel!'

He found himself actually laughing at this. He shook his head at her as he spoke.

'She's made her feelings pretty clear!'

'When?'

'Every day since she walked out on me!'

'She didn't walk out on you. She left because she…'

Rachels sentence petered out. She took a long slow breath before continuing. She had realised that Harvey was looking for a fight. Clearly he was angry and she wasn't prepared to be his human punch bag. '…. You know what Harvey it really doesn't matter what I think. So unless you want to talk about work then I think we are done.'

She went to stand but Harvey was quicker. He stood, his hands smashing onto the desk as he did. Rage bubbled up inside of him. Donna had walked away that night and he wasn't going to let Rachel walk away now. There was no way in hell she was going to leave this office without giving him some answers.

'We are done when I tell you we are done!'

The tone and volume of his voice made Rachel sit straight back in her chair her eyes wide. Out of the corner of his eye Harvey saw faux Harold physically shudder at his desk just outside of the office.

'You asked for a seat at the table Rachel…. You wanted to play with the grown ups so it's time to god damn step up. It's time you grew a pair and started to say what you mean. Stop hiding behind Mike or some shit about not wanting to be involved…. because you are. Whether you wanted to be or not you are. And I have questions that you are as sure as hell are going to answers before you leave this office…. So I suggest that if you have something to say then just say it, because if you want to be taken seriously you are going to have to learn to give as good as you get!'

'I did want a seat at the table and I will speak my mind when it's about work but this isn't. This is ….'

'Personal? You think this is just personal shit between the two of us? Of course it's about work too. It's Donna for Christ sake! We are work. The two of us are this fucking firm. And if you can't see that then you are a fool.'

'I'm not a …..'

'Fool?' He sneered at her 'Maybe you're not a fool but you are naive. You walk around with Mike thinking that relationships are easy. You two have skirted the rules of office relationships ever since he got here. There is a reason why office romances are frowned upon. Because shit doesn't work out the way it's supposed to. Not everyone gets to fall in love and live happily ever after. We don't all get what we want Rachel! Not everyone gets to fuck around with their work colleagues and come out smelling like roses!

The mention of Mike got to her. He watched as her expression changed. Her eyes looked dewy as if she was about to cry. Her voice had risen slightly in indignation.

'Skirted the rules! Mike only works here because you broke every rule in the book Harvey. And if you think that our relationship has been easy…..' her breath was ragged from the force of the emotions that came with her words '…. He was willing to give up on us. He went to prison for you. He left me to save you….'

'Yeah. How about when you nearly gave up on him Rachel? How about when you cheated on him with Logan Sanders.'

It was a sucker punch. It was below the belt and he knew it. He saw her physically crumble under his words. It was a cruel and nasty thing to have dragged up. Mike and Rachel were happy and he had no right, but in that moment, with all of these unsaid feelings for Donna, he didn't even care.

'It was just a….' Her words came out as barely a whisper.

'Kiss…'

He finished her sentence. He looked at her but she was staring and the floor, towards the stapler. She looked as broken as it was. And yet he carried on regardless.

'I don't believe for one second that is was just a kiss. That might have been the physical act but I'm guessing that in that moment you wanted more….'

'And what if I did? I didn't act on it. I didn't because I love Mike. It was a momentary lapse.'

'And maybe it's the same with Donna!' He realised that he had shouted at her again. He realised that bringing up Logan was a dick move. He crumpled back into his chair and placed his thumb and forefinger on the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Next time he spoke his words were quieter.

'Isn't there a chance she walked away because she regretted what happened that night?'

When Rachel didn't respond he opened his eyes. He half expected to find her gone. But she was still there. She was looking at him like he was some rare caged animal; part afraid and part in shock. Her face was tear stained and he felt a knot of guilt forming in his stomach.

'You can't really believe that?'

Harvey shrugged 'what other reason is there?'

'Because she did feel something when she kissed you and she is terrified that you don't feel the same way.'

'Donna's always known everything. She knows what she means to me. And it doesn't explain why she went to Paula's and gave her a verbal beating. It doesn't explain why she said that she wanted nothing to do with me!'

Rachel looked visibly shocked. 'Who told you that?'

'Paula'

'Well Paula is a lying bitch who…..'

'Rachel' Harvey warned 'I suggest treading very carefully when it comes to Paula'

'After you were so caring of my feeling throwing Logan in my face?'

He made no move to apologise, despite knowing that he should. He just sat there staring at her. His anger was currently under control but one false step, one misplaced comment about Paula might be enough to release it again.

'I don't know what you have been told happened between the two of them, but I spoke to Donna afterwards and it wasn't her that had given the beating. From all accounts she was the one that took it. I was worried because I hadn't seen her since she stormed out. When she answered her phone she was a mess. She was devastated. I haven't heard her that broken before.'

'Why?'

'Because you said you hated her!'

' I never said …'

'…..Said that?' Rachel gave him a sad smile and shrugged her shoulders 'Well Paula told Donna you did! So she is walking around thinking that you do. You haven't told her any different Harvey. What the hell was she supposed to think?'

'She was supposed to come talk to me!'

'Well she didn't because Paula also told her that the only relationship you wanted with her is a work one. That you want nothing else to do with her. And she believed it Harvey. For the first time she believes that you don't need or want her!'

'Well that's bullshit!'

'Maybe so but she believes it none the less'

'If she would choose to believe Paula rather than believe what 12 years of knowing me should tell her, then I guess she knows shit. I don't see how she can think that? I've made my feelings pretty clear. I have actually said the words to her. If that's not enough to convince her I care then there is nothing I can do!'

Rachel stood. She retrieved the broken stapler and placed it on the desk in front of him.

'Sometimes Harvey, actions speak louder than words. I don't think that you are angry. I think you are frustrated that you and Donna can't find the words to tell each other how you feel. That's why I am going to walkout of this office and forget what you said to me tonight. I'm going to believe that you didn't mean it and you only said those things because you are hurting. And hurt people lash out. You have one damaged stapler and one damaged employee, not to mention one terrified assistant, from how you acted this evening. Please don't make Donna the next casualty.'

She turned to leave. On hearing his voice she turned back to him.

'Rachel. I'm sorry for what I said.'

'It's ok Harvey'

'It really wasn't ok'

She shook her head 'no it really wasn't.'

'Thank you'

'For what?'

'For being there for Donna. I'm glad that she has you.'

'She doesn't need me. She just needs you.' She smiled at him as she left.

Harvey picked up the stapler and turned in around in his hand. He had ruined it. He thought about what Rachel had said about Paula. It made him sick to think that she would have told Donna he hated her. It made him feel sicker that she could ever believe it. The thought of Donna hurt and sad made him want to collapse to the floor. He hated himself. But he didn't know what else he could do. He had thought that he had made his feelings pretty clear. He had tried to speak with her but she had avoided him.

Actions speak louder than words.

He looked at the stapler again and then closed his eyes. This had all started because Donna had chosen to act. He realised that he needed to be alone with her. He needed to be able to clear his mind of all the shit circling there and just act. He didn't know what that meant but currently everything was just white noise. Rachel, Mike, Paula, Louis. All of them were filling his head with their own opinions that he could no longer recognise his own feelings amongst them. If he could just be alone with her then maybe all of the noise would just fall away and he would be able to think clearly.

The knock on the door made him open his eyes. He focused on Louis as he entered the room. He threw the stapler in the bin and looked up at his friend.

'What can I do for you?'

Louis smiled and sat down in the same chair that not to long ago Rachel had sat crying in.

'We've got him!'

'Malik?'

For the first time since getting off the phone from Paula, Harvey was able to think about something other than Donna.

'Yep! Holly is on board. She is willing to testify. Supposedly Donna and Katrina made quite a team. Bad cop and bad cop!'

'When did you find out?'

'Just now. Katrina called from the lobby. They are on their way up now…..'

'…. Katrina and Donna?'

'Of course Katrina and Donna! Who else would…'

Harvey was standing before he even realised it. He rounded the desk and headed for the door.

'Harvey where are you going?'

He turned to face his friend who was just a couple of paces behind him.

'I'm going to speak with Donna. And I swear to god Louis if you even think about following me and doing some of your bodyguard shit you have been pulling for the last two weeks I will beat the crap out of you!'

Louis raised his arms up and smiled the broadest of smiles.

'At last! I've been waiting all week for you to get off your arse and go talk to her.' He patted him on the back 'go get your girl Harvey…. it's been a long time coming!'

Harvey strode into the elevator bank as he heard the doors of the furthest one ping and start to open. He saw her standing there. She was laughing at something that Katrina had just said. She turned and saw him staring at her. A flurry of emotions passed across her beautiful face as she did.

'Katrina…..'

He didn't need to say anymore. The blonde had already alighted the elevator and was hurrying towards Louis's office. She nodded as she did, quietly saying his name as a hello as she passed.

Donna was trapped. She had nowhere to go. He watched her as she weighed up her options. Her face betrayed the fact that she knew that this time there was no escaping being alone with him. She took a step forward as if preparing to leave the elevator but then at the last second leant out and jabbed at the buttons instead. Harvey realised that the doors were beginning to close. She was planning to run from him. Not this time he smiled to himself. He was getting in that elevator with her. If she didn't want to be alone with him then she was going to be sorely disappointed, because for the next 50 floors there was going to be nowhere to hide.

He made it across the open space and into the elevator without breaking eye contact with her. If he looked away she might vanish again and it wasn't a risk he was willing to take. The doors shut behind him and he felt them start to descend.

It was time to act!


	8. Chapter 8

**It has been months and months since I have written anything. Life got in the way, as it has a nasty habit of doing, and then I found it really difficult to find the motivation to carry on this story. But I got some really lovely messages from you guys that gave me the metaphorical kick up the butt to start writing again. So thank you. Im not sure if this is my best work but I realised if I didn't post it now then I never would! I hope you enjoy and as always thank you for your likes and reviews. They mean the world. Sarah xxx**

 **So here is where we got to last time...**

 **Donna kissed Harvey. She doesn't think he kissed her back and wrongly presumes he doesn't want her. In an act of madness she deletes his messages and voice mail from that night...**

 **Harvey did kiss her back and wanted to do a whole lot more... He went looking for her, angry and confused, and then in the early hours of the morning poured his heart out in a voicemail admitting that he loves her.**

 **She hasn't heard it! He thinks she has! He thinks the reason she hasn't mentioned it is because she realised when she kissed him she felt nothing!**

 **Donna thinks Harvey is still with Paula. Paula pretty much confirms this and then tells Donna that Harvey hates her ( what a bitch!)**

 **Harvey doesn't hate her and technically him and the lying therapist are on a break whilst he sorts his shit out!**

 **Mike is desperately trying to fix the whole mess with whiskey and some harsh home truths...**

 **Rachel got to pimp hand Harvey, not once but twice and is basically a bad ass...**

 **Louis finally has Donna as his best friend and managed to get her back in the mud with him...**

 **Alex has had one line about Harvey being a gigillo...**

 **Katrina has said nothing at all (a bit like her role in season 7!)...**

 **Harvey went to tell Donna how he really feels but she didn't answer the god damn door quick enough and he walked away...**

 **And the last thing we saw was Harvey about to corner Donna in an elevator. 50 floors and no escape...**

 **And that is where we are in the confusing soap opera that is my mind!**

 **Phew!**

Donna -

The doors had nearly closed and yet he managed to squeeze between them before they shut. She felt the movement of the elevator as it started to descend. In this confined space she was suddenly overcome by the magnitude of what had happened nearly two weeks before. This was as close as she had been to him in that time and she could feel the tension growing, as the display above them slowly counted down the floors to the lobby

49

48

47

She took a deep breath in. She could have moved her arm just fractionally and would have made contact with him; that was how close he was standing to her. She knew that this was a choice on his part, in the same way it had been to rush in to this elevator with her. He had made decisive strides across the hallway, his eyes fixed on her as he had done so. He had wanted to be in here with her but now he was just standing there with his old stoic expression on his face. There was none of the lust or longing that she had witnessed when they had been alone in the conference room. There wasn't even the trademark Harvey Specter smirk gracing his handsome face. He just stood there, shoulder to shoulder with her, facing forward, eyes firmly on the door in front of them. It was all suddenly too much. She couldn't bare the silence. She couldn't bare how close she was to him and yet how far away he felt. She could no longer bare any of it.

44

43

42

'Harv…'

As she started to say his name she saw out of the corner of her eye him moving towards her. It took her a second to register what was going on. He had pushed her against the wall, her back resting firmly against the cold hard metal. She couldn't step forward because he was pressed against her, his legs either side of hers, his hands holding her arms, pinning her into place. Her breath caught in her throat as she let her gaze travel up from his chest and onto his face. He was looking down at her and for one of the first times since knowing him, she couldn't read his expression. His eyes were pools of molten chocolate that bore into her own with some sort of primal need which was unsettling but also made her heart beat a little faster. The noise of her heart, which felt like it was currently trying to escape the confines of her chest, was all she could hear. The sound of it filled her brain as he took another step towards her. His chest pressed against hers and she felt his fingers as they traced there way up her left arm and round the back of her neck. She felt as though she couldn't breath; caused by his body pushed against her ribcage and her own inability to exhale. With him so close to her she had forgotten how to. He tilted his head towards hers, tightening his grip on the back of her head, holding her in place. She had nowhere to go. Not that she would have wanted to leave even if she could have done. His nose grazed the tip of her own and his lips were now so close that she could feel his breath on her skin; the steady in and out as he breathed her in. She closed her eyes. This was both torture and pleasure all rolled into one defining moment. This was how it was always going to be with Harvey she realised. It was never going to be mediocre. He was a man that took what he wanted and right then he wanted her.

She felt the floor below her softly shake and the quiet ping telling them that they had reached their final destination. As the sound of metal sliding open filled her ears she heard a sigh. She couldn't be sure if it had come from her or if it had escaped his lips. She felt the frigid air of the lobby as the door fully opened and then the sudden feeling of emptiness as she realised that Harvey had stepped away from her. She had opened her eyes as reality flooded back in. He had not just stepped away. He was leaving. She mentally congratulated him; normally it was her that did the walking and he was the one left staring after her. She left the elevator and hurried across the lobby, her heels clicking on the stone flooring as she did.

'Harvey!'

He didn't respond

'HARVEY'

Her shout made him break stride for just a second, and it was enough for her to bridge the gap between them.

'What the hell was that?'

He turned fully to face her then, but rather than stepping towards her he took a step back. The two feet between might have well been the Grand Canyon after what had transpired moments ago. She could still feel the way his chest had pressed against hers and how his fingers had felt as they had traced circles on the bare flesh of her forearms. She pushed the sensation of him touching her to one side. She needed to focus. From the look on Harvey's face she guessed that she would need all of her faculties fully in tacked for what was about to come. He didn't speak but just continued to look at her.

'Harvey talk to me? What was that?'

He laughed then. 'it's not so nice when you are on the receiving end is it!'

'What the hell is that supposed to mean?'

'How about the fact that you kissed me 11 days ago and then just walked away without explaining!'

He was keeping his voice level and his tone measured. Whatever emotion he had let boil over the surface in the elevator was firmly back behind the Harvey Specter wall of denial.

'So that's what this is about!'

He raised his hands in frustration 'What else did you think it would be about? Unless you thought it might be about you cornering Paula at her offices a couple of days ago!'

And there it was. The reason why suddenly Harvey had decided to take action. It was the reason why, as he had correctly calculated it, it had taken him eleven days to bring the whole kiss up! She shook her head at him, some of the desire being replaced with the growing sense of infuriation. She hated how he had brought Paula up straight away. She hated that it had been her visit to that bitch's office that was the catalyst for Harvey finally growing a pair and taking action. It was no longer infuriation but rage that was coursing through Donnas veins. Fucking Paula and her fucking quack psychology. The rage mingled with the feeling of humiliation that she had been unable to shake since leaving Paula's office. She felt hot angry tears burning in her eyes. She would not cry in front of him. She would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her in pain. AND she would not talk about Paula. Not here is the open where she felt exposed.

'If you wanted to talk about Paula Harvey then fine but I'm not doing it here!'

'Why not?'

'Why not? Because you are the Managing Partner and I am COO of a firm that works in this building and I am not going to have this kind of discussion in front of Hank the security guard!'

She gestured in the general direction of the security desk. She was already conscious that her raised voice had caused several glances in their general direction. He opened his mouth to respond but she forged on.

'You have had plenty of time to talk to me Harvey over the last few days but chose not too. If you want to speak with me then I suggest that you find a more appropriate time to do so…'

'What do you mean that I chose not to?' He cut in. She saw little lines form in the corners of his eyes as he said this. They were the lines he got when he was either concentrating of confused. She could read his face like a road map sometimes. 'I haven't spoken to you because I was requesting your wishes. I am only bringing this up now because you dragged Paula into it.'

Hearing Paula's name on his lips again pulled her down in an undercurrent of fresh jealousy and rage. She couldn't control the force of those feelings. It scared her how much she hated this woman that she really didn't know. Scottie had bothered her she supposed, and she hadn't been a fan of the string of meaningless attachments Harvey had had over the years. But then again, she had described them as meaningless and that was what they had been. Paula was different, because Paula knew Harvey. She had broken down those walls. Perhaps she had broken down more walls that even Donna had managed to over the years. That was why she felt so threatened.

She swallowed back the taste of anger, trying to focus beyond Paula and on the other words he had spoken. They were a joke. Respecting her wishes. How the hell did he even know what her wishes were….

'Thank you for your concern, but I don't recall telling you I didn't want to speak to you about what happened.'

'Then why did you walk away?'

'Because I needed time to digest what had happened.'

He raised an eyebrow at her, 'and I'm not allowed that luxury?'

'God Harvey, I didn't say you weren't. Have I forced you to speak with me? Have I asked to discuss that night with you?'

'No! You just used Louis as some shitty bodyguard, making it near damn impossible for me to talk to you about anything. You have been avoiding this conversation Donna. And I don't know why…'

'BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!'

The words were out of her mouth before she had even realised. Harvey looked like he had been shot. He just stared at her open mouthed, unmoving.

'I'm in love with you Harvey.' Her words were barely a whisper. 'I kissed you and now I can't go back. I'm so sorry. I haven't spoken to you because there is nothing else to say. I love you and you are with someone else. There isn't much to discuss is there?'

His head bobbed slightly as a way of response. When he did not speak she knew that she had been right that night; he had felt nothing when she had kissed him. It was done. There was no more hiding her feelings, or his.

'I didn't think so. In which case I think we are done for this evening. Good night Harvey.'

She turned to leave without saying another word. She felt his hand grab onto her wrist and pull her back towards him. Her feet slipped on the marble floor and she put out her left hand to steady herself. Her palm made contact with his chest somewhere above his heart. She could feel it beating under his shirt. She removed her hand away slowly. She did not take a step back because she couldn't; he was still holding onto her. She felt his hand slip from her wrist and his fingers slowly entwine with her own.

His voice was quiet now.

'No more running Paulsen. Not after that. You can't tell me you love me and then walk away.'

'You did.'

The faintest of smiles played on his lips. 'that's because I'm an arsehole.' She felt his thumb brush across her knuckles as he spoke 'And that was a long time ago. Things have changed since then.'

'Nothing's changed since then Harvey. You couldn't tell me how you loved me then and my guess is you can't tell me now.'

He let her hand slip from his 'that's because its complicated'

'is it?'

'You know damn well it is Donna.'

The tears were threatening again. It was time to rip the band aid off once and for all. 'then let me un complicate it for you Harvey. We shared one night together a lifetime ago. Since then we have worked together and grown together and been each other's friend and support. Somewhere along the line that friendship blurred for me and I stopped seeing you as just my boss. I saw you as my partner…'

'Donna I….'

'Please Harvey. Let me say this. I need to say this to you and I need you to just listen.'

He nodded in consent to her request. 'Ok'

'I stopped seeing you as my boss Harvey. You became everything to me. And you didn't ask for that. That was all on me. But after you said you loved me everything changed for me. When you couldn't tell me how you loved me I realised that you weren't ready and so I moved on. I physically had to leave you to move on. I couldn't sit at your desk anymore and pretend that we were just two people who worked with each other. But with everything with Mike I came back and that was the biggest mistake because, though I never admitted it to anyone or, even myself, I knew I wouldn't leave you again. I am tied to you Harvey.'

She ran her hand through her hair as she paused to gather her thoughts. Harvey looked at her as if he was seeing her for the first time.

'The truth is that when I told you I wanted more I wasn't just talking about a job. I said I wanted more and what I meant was I wanted more of everything. I wanted more with you. But I told you it was about work because that was easier. Maybe I thought that if I wasn't just your secretary anymore, but an equal you would start seeing me how I saw you.'

'Donna…'

'…Harvey please…'

'No Donna. You can't say that I only see you as a secretary. That's bullshit, and you know it. You have always been more to me than that.'

'More how?'

'What… I…'

'See you can't answer the question Harvey. In the same way that you couldn't when I asked how you loved me. In the same way that, when I told you that I wanted more, you got in bed with your therapist the exact same week. In the same way that when I kissed you, you felt nothing.'

He looked exasperated as he took in what she was saying.

'You know what 'more' means. I told you the night you kissed me. The night I kissed you back. I thought I made it pretty fucking clear how I felt in that voice mail Donna…'

Realisation dawned on his face. He turned away from her shaking his head in disbelief.

'… Shit! You didn't listen to it did you? Christ Donna!'

'I deleted it.'

'Why?'

His voice was tender and caring. This was so much worse than the pissed off Harvey.

'Because I thought that you would be pissed at me!'

The smile returned to his lips.

'I think that's a little bit of an understatement for how I was feeling that night. I was pissed. I was so fucking angry. But after you kissed me that wasn't the only feeling I had for you.'

'What other feelings were there? Tell me what I missed. Tell me what you wanted to tell me that night.'

'There is no point telling you now.'

'Why not?'

'Because you're right. Maybe when I said I loved you and when I told you that you mean more to me, I didn't know what that really meant. And now I don't want to tell you because I don't know what you want to hear. And right now, I'm just confused. You kiss me. You tell me you love me…'

He trailed off.

'You chose to do all of this now. Why now? When I am with someone. When the firm is falling apart. When I'm losing Jessica?'

'I didn't know about Jessica when I kissed you.'

'But you did know about Paula. And you knew how I feel about cheating. Did you even think what it would do to me?'

She shook her head. She hadn't thought about Harvey's feelings at all when she had kissed him. She had acted on instinct. For the first time she had followed her heart rather than her head.

'No. Perhaps the timing was horrible. I mean it was. But I had to know.'

'And now you know how you feel, that's it? You now want it all? Because I remember a conversation a long time ago when I asked you if you wanted everything and you said that you didn't. But all of a sudden you have made up your mind and there is no room for discussion?'

His voice had risen an octave and she could see the frustration that was growing behind his eyes.

'No room for discussion? Isn't that what we are doing now? I've told you how I feel. Its you that is avoiding the subject about how you see me. So, what is it Harvey? Do you see me in that way? Do you love me in THAT way? Because if you do see me that way, then why the hell are we still pretending that we are just work colleagues. Why are we still dancing around each other? Because I know what I want. I have known ever since that night 12 years ago. I'm in love with you Harvey. I have been for as long as I can remember. You are the only man in my life, the only one that has ever mattered that is. And I want this. And I want you. I can no longer have one without the other. I can no longer live inside these walls, playing some game of boss and secretary with you. I want. No, I need that other part of you. I part that I have caught glimpses of over the years. I need all of you or none of it. I can't do this anymore. How's that for honesty?'

'So I was right? You have made up your mind? It's got to be all or nothing?'

She didn't need to think before responding.

'Yes'

'And you want me to just make that decision now?' The frustration was now bubbling over. He had a look on his face that she had seen when a case wasn't going his way. Frustration and a look of resolve that he got when he had made the decision not to back down. He had never liked being forced to make snap decisions, but then again he had had the last 11 days to work out what that kiss had meant and over a decade prior, to that to work out his feelings towards her.

'Why not?' She cocked her head to one side as she said it. She knew she was baiting him. With frustration sometimes came a chink in Harvey's armour. Perhaps the way to getting him to finally telling her how he felt was to push him into it. And if that answer was that he felt nothing, then she was prepared for it. At least they would all finally be on the same page and she could at last move on.

'Because it sounds a lot like an ultimatum Donna. I either give you what you want, or I lose you entirely. And you know what I do when a gun is put to my head….'

She was right. He was pissed. He felt cornered. And he was preparing to fight.

'You think I'm putting a gun to your head!?'

'I think you are putting me in am impossible position. Your forcing me to make a decision that could affect everything here.' He motioned his hands around the foyer

'And what about in here?' She placed her hands firmly on his chest.

'That too.'

'But secondary to this firm. Like its always been. It's this place over me. It's work over your personal life. It's your head over your heart.'

'It's what we do….'

'It's what you do Harvey. But it isn't what I'm going to do anymore.'

'Why does it have to change?'

'BECAUSE ITS MY LIFE!'

She watched as he took a step away from her as she said the words. His actions in that moment spoke more than any of the words that he had said up until this point. She wished that she had managed to just walk away after saying she loved him. All that had been said since that point hadn't changed a thing. Apart from him telling her that he had kissed her back. She knew that those words would take their toll later tonight when she was alone. She had relived that moment over and over again and never once had she imagined that he had felt a thing. With his admission came a new sense of sadness. He had kissed her back and yet it was not enough. He could not tell her how he felt. She just wanted a straight answer. A simple yes or no. But she realised, looking up at him, that he would never give her that. He would continue to let her waste her life waiting for something that might never happen. He wasn't doing it on purpose, but in the same way that her kissing him had been selfish, his actions now were selfish too.

'I'm done.' She spoke clearly, using everything she had left inside her, to keep her voice from betraying the pain within. 'If you think that I am putting a gun to your head, then you don't really know me at all. If you knew me then you would know why I am doing this. If you cared for me then you would understand. I'm not just work Harvey, I have never just been the job. But I have sacrificed everything for this firm. You never asked me to, but I did. And I did it because I loved you. But it's killing me. And watching you move on with Paula, seeing you have a relationship with someone else scared me shitless. Because I guess I thought that we weren't together because you didn't want to be attached to anyone. But if you did finally choose to be with someone, then that someone would be me. But that isn't the case. You have moved on and I need you to let me do the same. I need you to either tell me that there is a chance for us or I need you to let me go. And when I say go, I don't mean just as a friend. I mean that you need to let me leave. I can't work here anymore Harvey. I can't walk through these doors every morning, knowing that I will see you and knowing that you will never love me like I love you.'

She leant out and placed her palm against his cheek. It was a strange moment of intimacy.

As she stepped away she heard him speak.

'How long do I have?'

'Have?' Was he asking how long he had before she left? Had he just agreed to let her go? Was it a decision that he had made so quickly?

'How long do I have to tell you how I feel?'

'Oh.'

'Because I can't do it now. I wish that…' just as she had done, she felt as his left hand moved to cup her face. She leant against it and closed her eyes.

'… It's not so simple for me Donna. I wish it was, but it just isn't. But the thought of losing you kills me inside. And maybe that means something. Maybe that means everything, but I need some time to work it out. Will you give me that?'

She opened her eyes and were greeted with his own. They were filled with a fear that she had seen the night he had come to her apartment to discuss handing himself in to Anita Gibbs, to save Mike. It was the same look he had had when he had told her that he would never let anything happen to her.

'I can give you some time Harvey, but I can't give you long. The old me would have given you forever but I need to start living my life. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it's time for us to move forward, either together or separately.'

'I understand.'

'Ok then.' She smiled up at him. She would miss his face. She would miss his voice. She would miss him like she would miss an arm or a leg. She would be losing a part of herself when she finally had to say goodbye for good.

'Good night Harvey. I'll see you tomorrow. We need to talk about Holly Cromwell. I have good news that might take some of that pain away about losing Jessica.'

'I'm not worried about Jessica anymore.'

She had nothing to say to this. She wasn't worried about Jessica either.

'Donna….'

She looked at him questioningly

'What if we try and it all goes wrong?'

The word hung between them with the gravity of what he was asking.

She shrugged

'Then its goes wrong and we find a way to move past it. But I am no longer willing to stand back and not give it my all because I am too afraid of it failing. I would rather try and know, than spend the rest of my life regretting the fact that I wasn't prepared to fight for what I wanted.'

She turned then and headed towards the door. She didn't feel his fingers on her arm pulling her back toward him. He was standing there like a statue built of the same cold stone that surrounded them.

He just let her go.

She left through the front doors and felt the frigid night air envelope her. She instinctively wrapped her coat tighter round her body. She thought that she would be crying. She had presumed that when this conversation finally came, she would end up in tears. But she wasn't crying. She was grinning wildly as she walked away from Pearson, Specter, Litt. The truth had set her free. It was the release of endorphins caused by her finally admitting to Harvey how she really felt. And it felt good. So good in fact that she caught herself laughing. She was taking the biggest gamble of her life and she was laughing. In this game of poker, she had put everything that mattered on the table. She had put her heart. Either she walked away with everything or she would stand up from that table and walk away with nothing at all. 'All in Specter' she thought to herself. Would he gamble too, or would he choose to fold? Either way it was his hand to play; his choice to make. And she was prepared for both.

He kissed you back.

He kissed you back.

He kissed you back.

The words were on repeat in her head as she hailed a cab. Sliding into the back seat she slipped her phone out of her bag. She had multiple messages and missed calls from Rachel and Louis. She was too wired to go home. She wanted to go out. She looked at the numbers in her phone and after a brief moment decided to call Rachel. She would speak to Louis tomorrow once she had had time to process everything. He would freak out if he thought she was leaving and she realised that she needed to talk about that with him. But not tonight. Tonight, her future was out of her hands. She dialled Rachel's number and she picked up on the forth ring.

'Donna, thank god! Harvey is looking for you and he is pissed.'

'I know.'

'You've seen him?'

'We've spoken.'

'And?'

'And I need a strong drink.'

'Donna..' She could hear the concern in Rachel's voice

'I'm fine. Honestly. I think the conversation went as well as it could have done. But I do need a drink.'

'I'm still at the office. Give me five and I can meet you.'

'Good. There is one thing though Rach…'

'Anything'

'Tonight, I do not want to talk about that kiss. Or about my run in with Paula. Or Harvey.'

She could practically hear Rachel smiling at the other line of the phone, 'I'm sorry, whose Harvey? I only know Harriet Specter who is currently dating some arsehole called Paul! But by all accounts that relationship is not going to last!'

'Are we really going to play that game?'

Rachel laughed down the phone. 'Come on Donna, it's been a lifetime since Michelle and Harriet hit the town. It's been a tough few weeks for all of us and it's not going to get better any time soon, so what's the harm of letting our hair down and pretending for an evening.'

Donna did an exaggerated sigh 'Alright then. Meet me outside in five. I will swing the cab back round.'

'See you in a sec.'

'Oh and Rachel.'

'Yep.'

'See if Katrina is still in her office. She did a really great job today with Holly and deserves a drink too.'

'I'll check.'

After a pause she continued, 'If I'm Michelle Ross and you're Harriet Specter does that make her Louisa Litt?'

Donna laughed 'I guess it does. Though I hope she can hold her drink slightly better!'

She hung up the phone as the cab pulled back up outside the office.


	9. Chapter 9

**So another chapter quickly follows the last. This one is by no means as long, but then again it doesn't involve Donna and Harvey arguing with each other (Sorry spoiler alert!) It does involve another character who I was super excited to write. I hope you enjoy it. As always, thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. It brings me so much joy to get to read your thoughts.**

 **Sarah xx**

A quiet ping from the elevator bank broke the silence in the hallway, announcing a guest onto the 50th floor. Slowly the door of the far-right hand elevator slid open. It was the same elevator that Donna had used for her escape after that kiss. It was the same elevator that, eleven days later, Harvey had chased the same redhead in to. On that night, he had held her there. He had pushed her against that metal wall and he had held her to him, not wanting to let go. He had planned to kiss her. He had planned to consume her that night, as those numbers had slowly counted down to zero. But they had reached the lobby too soon and he had missed the chance. That close encounter had been nearly a month ago and since then, both Donna and he had avoided the elevator on the far right-hand side. It too was now full of memories, just like nearly every other room in this place. Tonight was little different. Tonight neither of them were in that elevator as it came to a halt at the 50th floor. Tonight, Donna was MIA and Harvey was the one standing in the hall, next to Louis, watching as the name Pearson was slowly taken off the wall. It was a day that both Specter and Litt had been dreading. No matter what had happened in the weeks since Jessica had been disbarred, even the fact that Malik was about to be charged with fraud and embezzlement, the truth was that neither of the named partners knew how to fill the size 10 Manolo Blahnik's that had been left empty since Jessica's departure. Harvey had been right; the sharks were certainly circling and there was more than a little blood in the water! Both Louis and Harvey turned in unison, as the door of the elevator started to open. No one should be here; they had made is perfectly clear that tonight Pearson Specter Litt closed at 7pm and would open again, reborn as Specter, Litt, at 6 am the following morning. For 11 paltry hours the offices would be closed as it mourned the loss of one of its partner. It was the only thing that marked the end of an era.

'When this day came, I thought there would at least be champagne!'

Wrapped is dark red silk, that matched her lips, Jessica Pearson appeared from the metal box like a phoenix rising from the flames. She didn't need her 6-inch heels to tower above the two men; she never had done. It had never been about height with Jessica; she had made even the tallest of men cower in her presence. She was a force to be reckoned with. She could bend anyone to her will with her words alone. Height was an allusion, but her power to command never had been. Even now Harvey felt himself straighten at the sound of her voice.

'Jessica.'

Harvey smiled and nodded at his mentor and friend.

'Harvey' her mouth formed a part pout, part smile as she looked Harvey up and down before swiftly turned her attending to Louis

'Louis.'

'Jessica'

Louis mimicked Harvey response. Out of the corner of his eye, Harvey noted how Louis was ever so slightly rocking from foot to foot. He realised that his friend was supressing the desire to hug Jessica. It made Harvey inwardly smile; you didn't hug Jessica, you just didn't. Unless of course it was a goodbye, but this wasn't. They had said those words months before, when she had first told then she was leaving. This was just a surprise, and a good one at that. Certainly not hugging territory. Harvey guessed that Louis knew this too, hence the slow but subtle rocking.

'There's no champagne, because this doesn't feel much like a celebration.' Harvey said.

'Well it isn't a funeral either,' Jessica commented as she alighted from the elevator 'Unless of course, you boys have already managed to royally fuck it up since I left.'

She winked at them as she turned to take in the final few letters left of her name. She actually winked! After a beat she turned back to them. Clearly the time she needed to take in the fact that her name was gone, was far less than both of them had needed.

'Seriously though, who is going to get me a god damn drink. There might not be champagne, but I know that Harvey has a bottle of good scotch hidden somewhere in my office.

'I don't know…'

'Cut the shit Harvey.' She cut him off. 'It's the bottle that I bought you when you made named partner. I know you haven't drunk it because you were waiting for the right moment.' She smiled at them then 'And I think that this is the right moment, don't you?'

He nodded in consent. Like he said, Jessica had a way of bending people to her will and he was no exception.

'Louis would you mind grabbing it' she said as she turned to him. 'it's in the cupboard on the left. Bottom right hand side if I remember correctly. And you can use your cut crystal glass's Louis. I always preferred those to the glasses of Harvey's.'

'Those are for brandy!' Louis muttered in quiet dissent, before turning tail and heading towards Harvey's office in search of the scotch, like the obedient puppy that he was.

'How did you know where I kept the bottle? And for that matter how did you know I hadn't drunk it yet? Also, you said it was your office but it's now mine. Remember I inherited it when you ran off to Chicago!'

Jessica just smiled at him. He had forgotten how infuriating she could be.

'And why are you here Jessica? It's not like we made it public that tonight was the night your name came off the wall.'

She shrugged as she spoke.

'I was in town on business so thought I would pop by and see how much of a mess you and Louis were making.'

'What kind of business?'

She turned to him laughing 'None of yours!'

He wouldn't get more of an answer. He guessed it didn't matter anyway. Jessica's life since she had moved to Chicago had been shrouded in mystery. There had been rumours of her running for office but how much of that were true he wasn't sure. He wouldn't ask. He knew that she would tell him when she was good and ready. It had taken him longer than it should have done to realise that when Jessica had a plan it was normally the right one and it was better to let it unfold naturally than try and get involved.

'Where's Donna?'

The question caught him off guard. He had chosen not to focus on the fact that she wasn't standing beside him tonight. When Jessica had told them that she was leaving, Donna had been there. She has stood next to him, holding his hand and looking out across the city for over an hour that night, not saying a word. She had been a comfort then, like she had been so many times before. But not tonight. After everything that had happened he hadn't known how to ask her to be there for him. He was still 'taking time' to work out what he wanted. Her declaration of love and subsequent ultimatum had hung heavily between them over the past few weeks. It had been all work between them since then. She hadn't mentioned any of the sentiments that she had so openly confessed that night. And he understood why; she was giving him the space that he needed. But after three and a half long weeks of trying to untangle those feeling, whilst dodging Paula's numerous calls, he had made little headway. He was a man who was so scared to take the wrong step when it came to Donna and his heart.

'She had to take a personal day and Louis and I decided that it should just be the two of us tonight.'

'Well that's bullshit!'

'What do you mean bullshit?'

Jessica had returned her attention to the two names left on the wall and didn't turn back to him as she spoke.

'There is no way that you and Louis would be doing this on your own if you had the choice. Both of you would have wanted her here. But I guess the current situation between the two of you makes it a little difficult to have her around on occasions such as this….'

'Current situation?' He raised an eyebrow at her as she turned to face him. She had a self-satisfied smile playing on her lips. Jessica Pearson, always a couple of steps ahead.

'Really Harvey! Just because I don't work here anymore, doesn't mean that I don't know what goes on at my firm!'

Harvey gestured to the wall behind them. 'I'm pretty certain that this isn't your firm anymore.'

'Harvey,' She rolled her eyes at him 'You know that's never going to be the case right? This firm is my baby and I'm never really going to give it up!'

'So what does that make Louis and I?'

'Babysitters!' she smiled, 'And clearly not very good ones. By all accounts, it seems like you need to get your house in order, starting with sorting out your issues with Donna. Having you two on opposite sides of the table is doing little for morale!'

'Now whose talking bullshit!' he retorted. 'The firm is fine Jessica. You might have forgotten but I have spent the last 6 weeks trying to bury Malik in the ground. A job that, may I add, I did pretty amazingly well! And Donna and I aren't on opposite sides on any god damn table! Just because she isn't here tonight doesn't mean shit!'

She raised her hands up in front of her as if surrendering. 'Fine. You don't need to get your panties in a twist.'

He realised then that he must have raised his voice. It was the questions about Donna that had been the cause. If he was honest he knew that there was a lot of work that would need to be done over the coming weeks, now that they were down a named partner. Both Louis and he had been so focussed on Malik and payback for Jessica's disbarment, that everything else had been neglected. But to suggest that Donna and he weren't seeing eye to eye touched a nerve that was already very much frayed. The two of them weren't having any issues when it came to work; they sat side by side, as they always had done. It was everything beyond these walls that was an utter mess!

'So how do you know so much about what's going on here? Do you have a secret camera in my office?' He tried to keep his tone light. He hoped that by changing the topic of conversation, Jessica would drop any further questions that she had about Donna.

She looked a little disgusted at the suggestion that she had been filming him. 'I have no clue what you do in your office late at night when there is no one around and frankly I never want too. So no, I don't have a secret camera in your office. Besides I don't need to spy on you when the information I want is given freely.'

'So, someone is telling you?'

She shrugged, smiling. 'I have my sources.'

He started to think who at the firm would still be talking to Jessica regularly enough, to let her know what was going on. So few people had known about what was happening this evening that the pool of suspects was limited. He had presumed that even less knew about the current Donna situation. It was therefore someone close to him. 'Traitors' he thought to himself as he went through the list of people in his head.

'It's Louis isn't it? I mean it wouldn't be Mike? Is it Mike? No wait! Its Gretchen? Got to be Gretchen….'

She laughed again.

'Who said it was just one person? It would be wise for you to remember that I have my little birds everywhere!'

'Little birds! Lord Varys! Oh my god Jessica, you watch Game of Thrones!' Louis's voice was full of excitement as he trotted back down the corridor towards them carrying a silver tray with three glasses and a bottle of scotch, that Harvey had thought was too well hidden for Louis to find.

"The bird see in the west, the bird see in the east. If one knows how to listen."

Harvey had absolutely no clue what Louis was now yammering on about. He had no idea who Lord Varys was, and didn't understand how this man had anything to do with Jessica's so called little birds. He also didn't know where Louis had found a silver tea tray! Three things he didn't know the answers to, but had already decided he wasn't going to ask for an explanation on. He had made that mistake once before, when he had asked Louis a simple question about a Japanese tea ceremony. Three hours later he had still been trapped in Louis's office, listening to a VERY detailed depiction of a ceremony Louis had attended whilst in Tokyo. He had only managed to escape when Louis had disappeared off to find his ceremonial kimono! He had been bitten once, and Harvey had vowed that he would do everything in his power to make sure that he wasn't ever bitten again! If the question was not considered to be life or death, then the chances were, it wasn't worth risking asking it in the first place. And Louis's answers to questions about Lords, trays and birds certainly didn't fall into the category of having any importance to this firm, and therefore Harvey's life. Besides, he shouldn't be at all surprised that Louis owned a silver tea tray. The man had a ceremonial kimono for Christ sake, which he kept in the office 'just in case'! Harvey had, up until 5 minutes ago, a bottle of scotch in his office as his just in case. One partner had a dress, the other a bottle of alcohol…. Enough said!

'Of course I watch Game of Thrones Louis. Who doesn't?'

'I don't.' Harvey muttered. Both Jessica and Louis turned to him at the same time. Whilst Jessica looked mildly amused, Louis looked utterly shocked by the revelation.

'You haven't watched it!'

Harvey shrugged. 'No Louis, I haven't. Some of us don't have time to watch TV. Some of us have too much work to do.'

Picking up a glass and filling it with scotch, Jessica turned to him. 'Perhaps if you spent a little less time sitting in your office in the dark….' She smirked as she took a long sip of the amber liquid. 'This is the good shit! Thanks for sharing Harvey.'

'I don't feel like I had much choice in the matter!' He poured two more glasses and passed one to Louis. 'Shall we?' He motioned towards the conference room and then picking up the bottle he started to lead the way.

Once seated, Louis and Jessica continued to chat about Game of Thrones, whilst Harvey stayed mostly silent. It was difficult to contribute to a conversation when you had no clue what they were talking about. Not that he really minded; he was only partially listening to them anyway. From the snippets he had caught and understood, he had made a mental note to put this show on the list of stuff to watch. Sex, violence and a story based on a fight to get and keep power…. Why wouldn't he like that? As he zoned in and out of the conversation he let his mind wander. He looked out of the window, at the world outside. The view in front of him hadn't really changed since he had started working here, though the world inside these walls had drastically altered. Jessica leaving had been the biggest change of all, and he missed her. Seeing her tonight merely confirmed just how much. But she was still part of his life. He still got to speak to her. He still got to see her. It made him wonder if it would be the same with Donna if she was ever to go? Secretly he was starting to suspect that Donna would never really leave the firm anyway. It had been nearly a month since she had threatened to leave him and, in that time, she had seemed to cement herself further into her role and the firm, rather than start to pull away from it. If she was really planning to walk away from this and from him, would she still be working all the hopelessly long hours and giving this place her all? He wasn't sure if it was just blind hope on his part, that this was the case, but it was the only thing currently allowing him to fall asleep at night; the vain hope that she wouldn't leave him. He wasn't sure if he could continue here without her. He wasn't sure if he would even want to.

'Harvey its time.' Louis's voice pulled him from the nightmare world of a Specter Litt, without a Donna to guide them.

'Pardon?'

'Dinner tonight. We said that we would meet the guys at 8.30, so we need to leave.'

'Sure of course.'

Harvey had forgotten about the dinner. It had been Donna's idea. She had thought that, after Jessica's name had been taken down, it would be nice for the team to meet up and toast the firms future. Mike, Rachel, Katrina, Alex, Gretchen (who he now believed was secretly working with Jessica!) and Donna were going to meeting him and Louis at a restaurant a couple of blocks away. He wasn't sure if he much felt like celebrating, but it would mean getting to see Donna. She had been off today, something she had arranged with Louis rather than him, and he could do with seeing her face. She had always been able to quell the swelling storm, that he often felt himself getting caught up in, when there was something major going on his life. It was why he had wanted her here tonight; though in the end Jessica and Louis had done a pretty good job of keeping the storm clouds at bay. He felt calmer than he thought he would have done, now the world would know that Specter and Litt were flying solo, without the watchful guidance of Pearson. Nodding at Louis in agreement that it was time to wrap this up and head off, he stood to leave. The others followed suit.

'Jessica, will you join us?'

She shook her head. 'I wish I could, but I have a flight to catch. It was only a flying visit to the city today. But I'm glad that I got to do this with you.' She looked intently at the both of them. 'You have got this. You know, that right? I have faith in you both.'

'Thanks Jessica. We know we do.'

It was Louis who spoke, but he spoke for the both of them. Harvey was in total agreement. They might not always see eye to eye on everything, but when it came the future of their firm, Harvey knew that they were in the same corner, fighting together

'In which case then, I will take my leave and let you boys go and celebrate.' She turned to leave. 'Harvey would you mind walking me out, I have something that I need to quickly talk to you about.'

'Sure thing.'

The two of them headed out of the conference room and back towards the elevators.

'What you got for me Jessica?'

She smiled again but this time it seemed slightly sad 'When it comes to work, not a damn thing.'

He stopped to look at her, 'No final words of wisdom to impart before you leave Louis and I to the wolves?'

'I think I have taught you everything you need to know.'

'Then what do you want to talk about?'

They had finally made it to the elevators. Before pressing the call button, Jessica took one long last look at the wall, where less than an hour ago her name had been.

'I have nothing left to teach you about work, but I do have a little bit of advice about something else if you would let me…'

He turned away sighing '…if this is about Donna Jessica, then….'

'…. it's not about Donna.' she cut in, 'it's about you.'

'Then fire away' he shrugged.

'This firm was my everything. I gave it my all and sacrificed not only my time but my personal life in the pursuit of making this a success. I have a failed marriage as proof of what I was willing to give up…'

'I know that and….'

'I didn't say I was finished talking, did I?'

She cut him off with the same 'do not interrupt me' voice that he had been so accustomed to when she had been his boss.

'No, you didn't.'

'Well then keep quiet until I am done!'

Looking at him, her face softened again but the sadness he had seen moments earlier still lingered.

'What I am trying to say is that I got a second chance with Jeff. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would have just been disbarred and my name was coming down of that wall, I would have been ready to throw myself off of this building. Because back then I didn't know that there was something more that I was missing out on. Do I miss this? Absolutely. Would I go back and change a damn thing? No. Because I am right where I am supposed to be.'

There was that same ping again, this time announcing the elevator to take Jessica away. She seemed to be done talking and as the door slid open she headed in without a second glance at the wall where her name no longer was.

'So, what are you trying to tell me Jessica?'

She smiled at him as she leant out to press the button that signalled she wanted to go to the ground floor.

'Just that life is short Harvey, and what you think you want isn't always what you really need. Rather than just pausing to stare out of that window at the world beyond these walls, I am suggesting that every once in a while, you should actually take the time to go outside and live in it. You might be surprised to find that there is more to life than just work.'

With that the door closed, and he heard the sound of the elevator as it started to descend. Jessica Pearson was well and truly gone.


End file.
